Improve My Marriage

New Blog Website

2011-11-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

You will now find the new posts to the Improve My Marriage blog at http://counselingwithbrian.com/blog.

Optimism in Marriage

2011-10-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

I am moving my blog over to my counseling website. You can find all of my new posts at www.counselingwithbrian.com/blog. As such, this will be my last post on this particular website. All those who are following this blog with Google friend connect should be transfered over to the new website automatically.
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Earlier this week, I heard a report on the radio that those who are optimistic in their lives have a longer life expectancy. Similarly, those who have a pessimistic outlook on life have a 23% greater chance of getting cancer.

I figured that being optimistic would also apply to marriage, but I decided to do some research. I came across some research done out of the University of North Carolina by Cameron Gordon and Donald Baucom. They looked at how personal strengths (including optimism) affected one’s marital satisfaction.

Here is one of their findings: “Results also support the hypothesis that an individual who is more positive tends to possess higher levels of optimism, adaptive coping skills, and personal expansion. This investigation sought to determine how these variables may be relevant to marriage. It appears that possessing optimism, adaptive coping skills, and tendencies toward person expansion may contribute to one’s overall positive experience, and it is this trait level positive affectivity that then contributes to relationship satisfaction.”

What does all of that mean? These researchers didn’t necessarily identify optimism as a characteristic of strong marriages. Optimism, however, was identified as one of the characteristics of happier people. From their research, it was concluded that happier people tend to have happier marriages.

I have seen this in my practice of doing marriage counseling. There are couples who begin the therapy process saying something like, “Yes, things are difficult right now, but we are going to get through this!” There are others who say something like, “This is our last ditch effort. If this counseling does not work, we are getting a divorce.” It is no wonder, that I see more success in counseling those with the optimistic attitude compared to those with the pessimistic attitude.

It should be noted that optimism isn’t necessarily a trait that people have at birth. It is something that can be developed. For those who want to be more optimistic, here are some suggestions:

1. Start by recognizing how many optimistic thoughts you have throughout the day
a. Record the number of optimistic thoughts you had.
2. Recognize the circumstances that guided these thoughts.

3. Write down an optimistic thought. When a negative thought comes in to counteract that thought, say the optimistic thought again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

     o Ex. “I am determined to make my marriage work.”
           “But your spouse will never change.”
     o “I am determined to make my marriage work.”
           “It won’t happen. Your grandparents failed at their marriage, your parents failed at their marriage. You are doomed. Why try?”
     o “I am determined to make my marriage work.”
4. Keep repeating these optimistic thoughts until the negative thoughts “give up.”

Reference
Gordon, C. L., & Baucom, D. H. (2009) Examining the individual within marriage: Personal strengths and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 16, p.421-435.

Prioritizing Marriage

2011-10-08T23:13:00.000-07:00

One of the comments from the previous post was:

Anonymous said...

Hi, I have a question about how much time spouses should be spending together and how much time the whole family should spend together. My husband is a very busy man, and when I ask for him to make some time for me or our family he gets very upset. I guess it stresses him out, he says that I'm adding to his stress by asking for more of his time. So, I would like to know if what I am asking for is ridiculous, or if he should be trying harder to make our schedules more family friendly.

I can't take sides on this issue. I can say, though, that making the marriage the main priority in one's life is very important. Looking at your husband's perspective, he may feel that he is making the marriage and family a priority by doing his best at providing for the family. Many men will find value in themselves in their ability to provide for their family.

It is quite possible that your husband is busy with other things besides his job, but I have a hunch that his business is job related. I could be wrong. I would talk with your husband and get a better understanding of his thoughts and emotions. Praise him for being an excellent provider to the family. Let him know that you love him (for richer or poorer), which is true right? Ask him how he feels he is doing in his roles as a husband, father, provider, and protector. Ask if there is anything you can do to help him in his roles.
I have written a few posts on prioritizing your marriage. They can be found at http://improvemymarriage.blogspot.com/2010/12/prioritizing-your-marriage.html

and

http://improvemymarriage.blogspot.com/2011/01/prioritizing-your-marriage-and-family.html.

Respecting Your Spouse

2011-10-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

I firmly believe that if we, as a society, did a better job at respecting our husbands and wives there would be a decrease in divorce and an increase in love. In fact, respect and love are very closely related. Respect means to honor or esteem. Demonstrating respect and love is one of the ways that couples can overcome selfishness in their marriage. Selfishness is at the root of almost every problem related to marital dysfunction.

Learning how to respect someone who has different opinions, beliefs, and feelings can be a difficult task. The French Philosopher Voltaire once said, “I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.” Every human being has a right to their own thoughts and opinions. This should especially be true within a marriage.

When a husband disrespects his wife (and vice versa), he is essentially regarding her as ordinary. He fails to recognize her for her infinite and divine worth. He fails to recognize her contributions to the marriage and the family. A woman who disrespects her husband fails to believe that he can make a difference in their family. She fails to recognize his divine goodness. Disrespecting one’s spouse is regarding that person as ordinary. In reality, there are no ordinary people (As discussed by CS Lewis in his book from his book The Weight of Glory).

In my practice, I have often witnessed when one will squash the ideas of their spouse simply because that way of thinking is different than their own. If their spouse is saying something with which they don’t agree, they will immediately argue, defend, or shut down. They often feel that if they listen to and respect their spouse that they are condoning those same thoughts. Realistically, respecting your spouse is not the same as agreeing with him or her. It is allowing them the right to express themselves, as noted by Voltaire. It is listening, and giving them time to voice their opinions. Not allowing your spouse to express him or herself can be considered a form of verbal abuse.

Recognize your spouse for what they are worth. She is the mother of your children. He is the protector of your family. She is your wife. He is your husband. Both are children of God.

The 180 Plan

2011-09-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

The 180 plan is described by Michele Weiner-Davis in her book Divorce Busting. I will give a brief synopsis of the 180 plan described by Michele, but I would encourage you to read her whole book. She has also written The Sex-Starved Marriage, The Sex-Starved Wife, and Getting Through to the Man You Love.

Wasn’t it Albert Einstein who said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Well the 180 plan as described by Michele is about doing something different (or completely the opposite) and getting different results.

On page 163 of her book, she outlines 4 steps:

1. Describe what you see as the problem.
Recall what your spouse does that provokes you.

2. Assess how you have been handling the problem thus far.
What single approach do you most commonly use to change your spouse’s behavior? (Although you may have tried varied approaches, which is most typical?)

3. Do a 180°.
This step requires a leap of faith and is therefore the most difficult. You must begin doing the opposite of whatever you have been doing and do it in a credible and sincere manner.

4. When your spouse starts changing, stick with this plan.
The worst mistake you can make is to go back to your old habits as soon as you see your spouse starting to act differently. It may be quite tempting to relax, but you must keep up your new behavior until you are convinced that your partner’s changes have become habits.

Try a Little Harder

2011-09-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

If I could say one thing to someone who was considering divorcing their spouse, I would say to try a little harder to make the marriage work.

I was working with a man a while back in individual counseling. He initially started coming to counseling with his wife. After a few sessions she stopped coming to the sessions. The man would try different things we talked about in counseling. He improved his communication and his attitude. He started working at being nicer to his wife and reacting in anger less. He was becoming the person he said she had wanted all along, yet she continued to distance herself from the relationship. At one point this man said he was done. He was tired of trying, and was ready to give up.

On one of our latter sessions, he appeared dejected and hopeless. He appeared as if he was ready to throw in the towel with the relationship. There was no more reason to try. Divorce was eminent. I tried to encourage him, but to no avail. We set up another appointment, and I wondered if it would be our last appointment or if we would have to change the treatment plan in order to help him deal with the upcoming divorce.

The next session, he was very different than before. By no means was he happy, but he was definitely much more hopeful than the previous session. I asked him what contributed to him doing better. He said that he decided that he was going to keep trying, no matter the outcome of his marriage. He was going to try a little harder to be nicer to his wife. He was going to try harder to meet her needs, whether she appreciated his efforts or not.

While I do not know what happened with this man or his marriage, I do know that he made significant changes in his life. Throughout the course of counseling, he was slowly becoming a better, more confident man. I don’t know if his efforts of trying had any impact on his wife or their relationship, but I do know with certainty, that his efforts changed himself.

I encourage you to keep trying. If you are married, keep trying to improve your marriage. Try a little harder. If you are considering divorce, keep trying a little harder and a little longer to make the marriage work. If you are single, keep trying. Try a little harder to find that person with whom you are hoping to marry. If you are divorced, keep trying. Try a little harder to forgive your ex for what he or she did.

Try a little harder to be a little better. Watch how your efforts will make changes you never imagined in yourself, and possibly in your relationship as well.

9/11 and United Flight 93

2011-09-12T06:16:00.000-07:00

As yesterday marked the 10th anniversary of 9/11, I am moved and honored by those who lost their lives in those terrible events. I am grateful for those firemen who risked their lives in order to help those in need. Those people on United Flight 93 inspire me as they overtook the plane that was headed for Washington D.C.

As I think about United Flight 93 (the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania and never made it to it's destination), I think that we as human beings must also develop the attitude and determination to fight for what is right. We must stand against those people (or even ideas) that seek to destroy us. We must be united and true like those passengers from flight 93.

Immediately following the attacks from 9/11, I have read from various sources that their were may people who withdrew their filings for divorce. I think many people recognized the importance of love and companionship. After 9/11, many became less selfish and more determined to make their marriages work.

Let us not forget those things we learned from that day. Let us go forth, determined to do what is right, and persistant in making our marriages work.

Assumptions, Beliefs, and Feelings

2011-09-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

Negative AssumptionsNegative Beliefs Negative Feelings

Positive AssumptionsPositve BeliefsPositive Feelings

“John, could you please take out the trash,” Abby asked. John and Abby had been married for almost four years. Like most couples, they had a lot of ups and downs in their marriage.

“In a minute, I am busy,” John replies.

Half an hour later, Abby, beginning to get frustrated says, “John, I asked you to take out the trash.”

John now starts mirroring Abby’s frustration, “I said I would do it. As soon as I am done with this I will take out the trash.”

One hour later, Abby is visibly upset, she storms into the room where John was working and says, “I cannot believe this. I asked you to take out the trash hours ago, and you didn’t do it. You are so selfish! All you care about is yourself.”

John angrily grabs the trash bag and takes it out to the trash cans. When he comes back he begins yelling back at Abby. “There. Are you happy? You are so difficult to deal with!” Sarcastically and mockingly he says, “John can you take out the trash. I am so weak at helpless that I can’t do anything myself.”

John and Abby continue arguing off and on for the next 45 minutes. That night John says that he refuses to sleep next to Abby, he furiously grabs his pillow and a blanket and retires to the family room sofa for the night.

This is an example of how a husband and a wife allowed some negative assumptions to dictate their feelings. Negative assumptions lead to negative beliefs which lead to negative and destructive feelings. In the example above, when John didn’t take out the trash Abby may have assumed that he didn’t want to take out the trash. This assumption was probably accurate, however, it lead to a faulty belief. Abby then formulated the belief that if John really loved her, he would take out the trash the very first time she asked. Continuing in this belief, since John did not take out the trash when asked, he therefore did not love Abby. Abby then reacts, not because the trash was not taken out, but because (in her mind, and at that moment) her husband did not love her.

John’s assumption was that he thought Abby recognized that he was doing something important, far more important at the moment than taking out the trash at that moment. John’s negative belief eventually becomes ‘she doesn’t understand me.’ He gets frustrated and reacts back to his wife, not necessarily about her request to take out the trash, but because he felt misunderstood.

Do we ever have assumptions that we allow to become misguided beliefs? Do we ever react to our spouse out of anger or frustration because of those beliefs? I would say that this process is part of human nature, but it is something that we need to improve if we are to improve our marriages.

The next time you get angry, frustrated, or upset at your spouse, think about the situation after you have calmed down. What negative belief were you really reacting to? Did you think your spouse didn’t love you? respect you? understand you? What assumptions do you think caused those beliefs? Look at yourself. Challenge your negative beliefs. Make a concentrated effort to change.

In the above example, Abby may have challenged her beliefs by thinking to herself, 'I know John loves me, and I know that his not taking out the trash is not because he doesn't love me. I will apporach this situation diffierently.' Abby may have then approached John, wrapped her arms around him and asked "what are you up to?" After allowing John to express himself she could say something like, "do you want would mean a lot to me, if you could take out the trash." Would this change in behavior have a different effect? It is not guaranteed, but hoepfully.

Abby changed her beliefs and therefore her feelings. She assumed that John was busy with something. To make sure that assumption was correct, she asked him 'what are you up to.' When he talks with her he talks calmly, because she was giving him no reason to be defensive. Abby's positive beliefs become, my husband is dedicated and does actually love me. Those positive beliefs lead to positive feelings both about her husband and about herself.

Limiting TV in the Bedroom

2011-09-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

Image: nuchylee / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Most rooms in a home have specific furniture with specific purposes. The kitchen table's primary function is to allow household members to sit and eat a meal. Sometimes it may be used for other things such as doing homework or playing family games. The couch in the living you can be used for watching TV or movies, or for talking with others. The bed in the master bedroom can also have multiple purposes. It can be used for sleeping, sexual relations, or even pillow talk. All three of these activities can help strengthen a marriage. There is one activity that is commonplace in many beds that can actually be detrimental to a marriage--the practice of watching TV in the bed.

Like many things I discuss, TV can be acceptable in a marriage if appropriate boundaries are set. One of the boundaries that should be set with married couples revolves around how much (if any) TV should be watched in the bedroom when both spouses are home.

I mentioned that TV in the bedroom can be a deterrent from a couple's sexual aspect of their marriage. TV allows its viewers to focus on the screen and not each other. It allows its viewers to think about what is coming next, instead of your partner. These characterisitics seem to be compounded when the TV watching occurs while in bed. Heavy TV watchers will eventually associate the bedroom and the bed with watching TV and trying to escape instead of a place of romance and a time to love.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Watching TV in the bedroom can put a damper on a couple's likelihood that they talk together before going to sleep (pillow talk). I think that some of the best conversations that I have had with my wife have been when we were both laying down and getting ready to sleep. I might be rubbing her back, or she might be rubbing mine. Needless to say, if there was a TV on and one or both of us was watching it, we would lose out on many precious times together.

Lastly, many will use the TV as a means of falling asleep. They might say that they are night owls and cannot get to sleep. They can actually do their body a diservice when they associate their bed with watching TV instead of falling asleep. A lack of sleep over a lengthy period of time can affect one's physical, mental, and relational health. If you don't think a lack of sleep has ever affected your relationship, think about a time when you were really tired. How did you treat your spouse at that time? I am not against having a TV in the bedroom. I am not against couples watching TV together in their bedroom. I am against couples watching TV in their bedroom when they could otherwise be making love, talking, or sleeping.

Apologizing Sincerely

2011-08-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

Richard Miller, PhD and a prominent Marriage and Family Therapist said the following about the importance of apologizing:

Apologizing Sincerely

In order to be effective, an apology must be sincere and heartfelt. There needs to be evidence that you are truly sorry that you have hurt or offended your spouse and that you take responsibility for your mistake or offense. A simple “sorry” or the slightly more eloquent “sorry about that” rarely provides the necessary evidence that you feel remorseful and take responsibility for your actions. A thoughtful apology might sound something like: “I’m sorry that I didn’t do the dishes last night like I had agreed to. It wasn’t right, and I apologize.” Such an open and honest apology can do wonders for healing wounded hearts.

Sometimes it is necessary to apologize more than once, especially if the offense is particularly hurtful. I have learned over the years that it sometimes takes several apologies before the sincerity of the apology is able to penetrate the wounded heart of an offended spouse.

This was taken from an article titled Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage.

I encourage you to work on sincerely apologizing to your spouse. Always be the first to apologize when you and your spouse have argued. If you get into an argument with your spouse, you should still apolgize even if you were right. You may have been right in the argument, but you still mistreated your spouse by trying to force him or her to understand things the way you see them.

Selfishness

2011-08-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Through all of the marriage counseling I have done, I have yet to find anything more destructive to a relationship than selfishness. Farrugia (2002) cites the work Jencks (1990) is stating that selfishness is "an individual's concern solely for his or her own personal welfare without including the welfare of others. Also included . . . is the observation that selfishness includes cases when concern for others isonly an instrmental means of promoting one's own self ends, and the concern ceases when those ends can be achieved." Selfishness in marriage often leads to emotional and/or sexual affairs, addictions, intense communiation problems, abuse, and distance between spouses. In my last post about what makes a relationship last throughout the years, I mentioned that having a mutual respect for one's spouse was one of the qualities that helped couples have happy and long lasting marriages. It is difficult to show respect when one or both persons are completely wrapped up in themselves.

At one time, I was working with a husband and wife. The wife wanted marriage counseling, and the husband didn't think anything was wrong so he didn't see the need to go to counseling. At one point the wife was fed up with the husband's behavior and decided that it was time to begin the process of separating from him. It was only at this time did the husband start to change. He was extremely fearful of his wife leaving him. He started changing and then tried to convince her that he was a better person. He made promises that he would continue to be better if she would only return to him and work on the marriage. He was in fact changing, but he was also being selfish.

Image: nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How is that selfishness? He was changing and becoming a better person. He was working on meeting his wife's needs. But, this husband's actions follow the definition above in that he was concerned about showing his wife that he was changing simply to get her to move back in with him. Selfishness is about being so wrapped up in yourself that you are unable to comprehend what your spouse wants or needs. This man's wife first needed him to come to counseling with her. He was selfish and didn't think there were any problems. After she left, he continued to be selfish in that he was not respecting her wishes for some space. He was changing in order to deal with his insecure attachment needs of having his wife close to him at all times.

Now let me clarify something. By no means should one spouse be sacrificing themselves to their spouses poor behavior. Refusing to be abused, criticized, or mistreated is not being selfish. Being selfish is about thinking about only yourself and not your partner's needs. In abusive situations, your partner actually needs (though probably doesn't want) someone to stand up to him or her and refuse to be continually abused.

Selfishness is demonstrated in some of the following ways:

Not listening to your spouse
Criticizing
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Yelling
Abusing
Ignoring
Nagging
Using sex as a punishment
Laziness
Blaming
Lying
Addictions
Affairs
Spending too much money
Greed

Look at yourself and analyze if you are being too selfish in your relationship. Think about ways in which you can better respect your spouse and let him/her know that you really do love them.

References
Farrugia, D. (2002) Selfishness, greed, and counseling. Couseling and Values, 46, pp.118-126.
Jencks, C. (1990) Warieties of altruism. In J. Mansbrige (Ed.), Beyond self-interest (pp.53-67). Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

What Makes a Marriage Last Throughout the Years

2011-08-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of research available on divorce and why families fall apart. As a society we tend to be problem focused, constantly analyzing what we are doing wrong. While this can bring change, I think change might be more meaningful if we analyze the things we are doing right. I recently read an article by Bachand and Caron (2001) in the Contemporary Family Therapy journal that took this positive approach. The researchers of this particular article wanted to know what makes a marriage last throughout the years, and not what contributes to its failures. I thought I would share some of their results here.

Bachand and Caron (2001) did their own research and compiled research from a number of other studies to arrive at their results. Their research involved couples who had only been married once and had been married for at least 35 years. Here are the characteristics that were most frequently reported when couples were asked "Why do you think that you have been married as long as you have?":

Friendship
Love
Similar background or similar interests
Commitment
Freedom to pursue one's goals
Respect towards the other person.

Friendship. It is no wonder that this was the most frequently reported characteristic of long term happy couples. I think that a couple's relationship needs to be based on friendship. All to often when a man and woman get together they rush into the relationship and don't allow the time for their friendship to develop. Couples may also have a tendency to rush into the sexual relationship before being friends. Having a friendship with your spouse is important for making the marriage last throughout the years.

Love. In my opinion, charity is the truest for of love. In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, it says:

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity denvieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Couples often talk about falling out of love. What they really mean is that there is no longer the passion they once had. It also means that it takes a more concentrated effort to truly love their spouse, instead of that love coming "naturally."

Similar Background/Interests. Having similar interests mean that couples are able to spend time together doing things that they both enjoy. These interests were hopefully discovered during the courtship process. Having a similar background means that couples are similar in what they experienced culturally, religiously, economically, and socially. Coming from completely different backgrounds does not mean that couples will divorce, it just means that they might have to work a little harder in order to preserve their marriage and create their own marital identity.

Commitment. Being committed in a relationship means that you stay together even when times get tough, and there seems to be no love. Read more about commitment in one of my previous posts: Commitment.

Freedom to Pursue One's Goals. This was actually the most common characteristic rated item by women in Bachand and Caron's study. I interpret this as meaning that the husband does not dictate to the wife what she should be doing. He respects her, her desires, and her goals. A woman's goals may be related to her roles as a wife or a mother, but they may also be related to personal interests as well. A wise husband will allow his wife to pursue her personal (and family) goals.

Respect. The online Webster dictionary defines respect in terms of being considerate of the other person or having a high and special regard for them. We have a tendency of respecting a person more when they are dead when they are alive. Is that because the person can no longer argue with us? When thinking about respect, I think about the attitude we have for someone who has passed away. I think about the respect that we have for those who have fought for their country (whether they have fallen or not). We should carry this same attitude into our marriage. We need to respect our husband or wife. We do not have to agree with everything they say or do, but we should have an attitude of respect.

Reference
Bachand, L. L., & Caron, S. L. (2001). Ties that bind: A qualitative study of happy long-term marriages. Contemporary Family Therapy, 23, 105-121.

Thinking Positively and Avoiding Negativity

2011-08-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law was recently reading one of my posts and commented on how her husband always tends to come in the room while she is reading blogs (she commented on one of my posts a few weeks ago). He asks her what is going on in the blogging world and she responds that she is reading about "affairs" or "divorce." Well, Carly, in thinking about that I thought I would write a post on the importance of positive thinking in a marriage.

Image: nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When my wife and I were dating, I wrote out a list of several of her positive qualities. I would often look at this list especially when I felt down or questioned why I was with my wife. Throughout our courtship and engagement, I kept this list in my wallet and would pull it out any time I wanted to feel closer to her, or remember why I started dating her in the first place. Though it has been nine years since I made that list, I still have it in my wallet. I continue to refer to this list on a regular basis.

Most couples, when they are dating are able to identify many positive qualities about their spouse. Many of those qualities were the reason they married their spouse in the first place. As life goes on, we have a tendency of forgetting our spouses positive qualities. In fact, we will often start to focus more on their negative traits and while forgetting their positive traits.

Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I really believe that most people have significantly more positive qualities than negative qualities in their personalities. However, focussing on the negative makes us easily forget the positive. It is like looking outside in the middle of the day when it is bright and sunny. Those who think negatively about their spouse are similar to those who claim that the sky is overcast when a tiny little cloud moves in front of the sun. What the negative thinkers need to realize is that if they are patient, that cloud will eventually move away and the sun will shine through once again.

Negativity can be detrimental to a relationship. It can take forms of pessimism, criticism, selfishness, defensiveness, holding a grudge, unrealistic expectations, or faulty assumtions about one's spouse. Negativity prevents people from moving forward. It encourages individuals and couples to avoid talking with each other, to not trust, to not forgive, and ultimately to not love each other.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ask yourself these questions:

Do you criticize your spouse more than you praise him or her?
Do you find yourself in a bad mood throughtout most of the day?
Are you quick to say "No" and rarely say "Yes" to your spouse's requests?
Are you able to remember the bad things that your spouse has done over the last two years, and can't remember the good things from the last two months?
Do you frequently hold a grudge towards your spouse for something he/she did in the past?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, than you are probably not thinking as positively about your spouse as you should.

Try writing down a list of your spouses positive qualities. You may have to think back to when you were dating to remember some of those traits. Keep this list handy and refer to it whenever you find yourself thinking negatively about your spouse. Watch how being positive will help you be happier in your marriage.

Before You Divorce, Part IV: Marriage Counseling and Conclusion

2011-07-30T01:14:00.000-07:00

This is the fourth and final post in a series about divorce. The article, Marriage Crossroads, was written by Dr. Brent Barlow of Brigham Young University in the Marriage and Families Magazine.

8. Think about the Long-term Consequences of Your Decision

Many who divorce are satisfied with the decision to end their marriage. But it is becoming increasing evident that a significant number, as many as one-third, later regret their divorce. This is particularly so when the long-term consequences are experienced or actually encountered. Seriously consider not only the apparent immediate benefits of divorce but also the long-term consequences many others have experienced. Divorce is a decision that many make but later regret. And most divorces are forever.

9. Take Time to Make Your Decision

The decision whether to divorce is one of the most important ones you will ever make. And if you do decide not to divorce right away and want to work on improving your marriage, take several months to do so. As previously noted, 86 percent of unhappily married couples bounce back within five years. Your marriage, however, may not take as long to turn around. Also, be aware of questionable advice you may receive during this time from others, particularly peers who are divorced or unhappily married. Remember, love lost can be regained in time with new skills and effort.

10. Use Discretion When Seeking Marriage Counseling

If you do seek marriage counseling, be very careful in choosing your therapist. Make sure the therapist understands your desire to work on improving your marriage, and ask your therapist to help you in this endeavor. Also, make sure the therapist has been trained in helping couples stay together, where possible. Professional and competent counselors will honor this request. Discuss the fees in advance, which range from $60 to $100 or more for a fifty-minute session. Many Health Maintenance Organizations (HMOs) currently do not pay for marriage counseling. In addition, if you seek personal counseling, HMOs will often determine whom you will see and the number of sessions you are allowed. Choose wisely from among the therapists allowed on your insurance program, if you have one. Remember: they are working for you and your marriage!

Before you choose a counselor, review the article “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous to Your Marital Health,” by William J. Doherty, Ph.D. Read his comments about “therapy-induced marital suicide.”19

Although marriage counseling with a competent therapist can be invaluable for some distressed couples, most couples turn their marriages around without formal counseling. Of course, many couples seek help from their religious leaders, with men generally preferring religious-based help.20

11. Consult with Your Religious Leaders or Advisors

If you and/or your spouse are religious people and belong to a particular faith or denomination, I urge you to seriously consider talking to your religious leaders. They often are a great source of hope and encouragement by adding the spiritual dimension to marriage during difficult times. Consider attending religious services while you are making your decision about divorce. Married couples who do attend religious services on a weekly basis have a one-third lower divorce rate than those who do not.21

12. Learn from Other Married Couples who have been at the Crossroads

There are couples in the United States who have seriously considered divorce and then decided to work on their marriages and stay together. Some of these couples are available to conduct seminars and workshops. One such national and nondenominational group is Retrouvaille (A French word meaning “rediscovery” and pronounced “retro-vi”.) When both husband and wife attend Retrouvaille meetings and work at their marriage, the success rate of staying together is 85 percent.22

13. Remember the 9/11 Alert

Almost everyone in the United States will remember September 11, 2001…. We all witnessed over and over the tragic details of these events and the aftermath as it was broadcast again and again on national and local television programs. These vivid images will likely remain with us for many years to come.

What some may not know, however, is that immediately following these tragic events, many married couples withdrew their applications for divorce on file before September 11, 2001. In Houston, Texas, for example, “Dismissals in divorce cases have skyrocketed in the Harris County Family Law courts since the terrorist attacks of September 11th. Family-law cases, the vast majority of which are divorces, have been dismissed in nearly three times the volume in the days after the tragedy as in the days before it.”23 Similar trends apparently occurred elsewhere, although they did not last long .

What does this brief trend after September 11, 2001, suggest? Why were so many military personnel married in the following weeks before they were deployed for duty abroad? Why is it that in times of crisis we place higher value on marriage and family relationships? Michael Von Blon, a family law attorney in Texas, stated that in times of tragedy, “people stop and think about the most basic things in life: companionship, love and family” (ibid). Why do we need a national tragedy to remind us, once again, of the importance of marriage and family relationships? Apparently, such events help us realize the value of ancient wisdom:

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.²⁴

REFERENCES

19. See www.smartmarriages.com.

20. Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Does Divorce Make People Happy: Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages (New York: Institute for American Values, 2002) 29.21. David B. Larson, James P. Sawyers, and Susan S. Larson, “The Costly Consequences of Divorce: Assessing the Clinical, Economic, and Public Health Impact of Marital Disruption in the United States” (Rockville, Maryland: National Institute for Healthcare Research, 1995) 26.
22. See website at http://www.retrouvaille.org/.
23. Mary Flood, Houston Chronicle (25 Sept. 2001).
24. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.

Before You Divorce, Part III: Marriage Improvement and Financial Considerations

2011-07-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

This is the third of four posts in a series about divorce. The article, Marriage Crossroads, was written by Dr. Brent Barlow of Brigham Young University in the Marriage and Families Magazine.

5. Should Couples Work on Their Marriage?

Nearly all, if not all, marriages go through peaks and valleys, times of highs and lows. Most of married life, however, is spent cycling between these two extremes. During difficult times, between 40-50 percent of currently married spouses seek divorce and follow through with it. And, as previously noted, about 20 percent of those who stay married consider leaving a marriage partner but later choose not to do so. The vast majority of unhappily married couples in the United States apparently do improve their relationship if they stay married. (See sidebars on original article, pp. 25 & 29, for several suggestions on available resources.)

6. The Big Bounce Back

Researchers have asked and then answered this question:

How many unhappy couples turn their marriages around? The truth is shocking: 86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier, according to an analysis of the National Survey of Families and Households. Most say, they’ve become very happy indeed. In fact, nearly three-fifths of those who said their marriage was unhappy in the late ’80s and who stay married, rated this same marriage as either “very happy” or “quite happy” when interviewed again in the early 1990s.

The very worst marriages showed the most dramatic turnarounds: 77 percent of the stable married people who rated their marriage as very unhappy (a one on a scale of one to seven) in the late ’80s said that the same marriage was either “very happy” or “quite happy” five years later. Permanent marital unhappiness is surprisingly rare among couples who stick it out. Five years later, just 15 percent of those who initially said they were very unhappily married (and who stayed married) ranked their marriage as not unhappy at all.15

Also, it is important to note that, according to recent research, unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier or healthier five years later than unhappily married adults who stayed married, even if the divorced spouses remarried.16 Apparently divorce is not a good bet to make us happier and healthier. Indeed, the evidence is just the opposite.

7. Calculate the Financial Consequences of Terminating Your Marriage

The financial costs to married couples for divorce are often substantial. These costs include legal or lawyers’ fees, which average $7,000 per couple ($3,500 per person) in the United States.17 Some divorces cost more; others less. An uncontested divorce involving no children in Utah costs between $500-$1,000. If the proceedings go to court and there is litigation, costs go as high as $10,000-$20,000 for legal fees. If there is a sizeable amount of property and prolonged litigation, costs could be $40,000-$60,000 and even as high as $100,000 or more in some cases. The hourly wage for many lawyers today is $200-$300. The use of accredited divorce mediation services can help reduce the costs.

There will also be additional costs for housing, moving expenses, transportation, potential loss of income during divorce proceedings and transition, additional occupational training¬ particularly for custodial spouse of children (if children are involved)¬ child care, partial loss of retirement benefits, and sometimes additional costs to state government, extended family members, and charities if initial income is minimal. There may also be considerable financial consequences during retirement for husband, wife, or both.

Also consider that “Families with children that were not poor before the divorce see their income drop as much as 50 percent. Almost 50 percent of the parents with children that are going through a divorce move into poverty after the divorce.”18 Perhaps the greatest costs of divorce, however, are not financial, but the emotional costs that were previous noted.

REFERENCES

15 Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Does Divorce Make People Happy: Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages (New York: Institute for American Values, 2002) 148-49.
16 Waite, et. al., ibid., 11.
17 Steve Nock, “Calculating the Financial Cost of Divorce” Presentation at the Smart Marriages Conference, Washington, D.C. 1999).
18 Patrick R. Fagan, and Robert Rector, “The Effects of Divorce on America” Executive Summary (Washington, D.C.: The Heritage Foundation, 5 June 2000 ). Available on Smart Marriage home page under Marriage Reports. http://www.smartmarriages.com/.

Before You Divorce, Part II: Impact on Children and Later Regret

2011-07-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

This is the second of four posts in a series about divorce. The article, Marriage Crossroads, was written by Dr. Brent Barlow of Brigham Young University in the Marriage and Families Magazine.

3. What Can Be the Impact of Divorce on Children?

It is obvious that a large number of children of divorced parents survive the experience and later become capable and stable adults.9 But it is also becoming increasingly evident that many children of divorce are at risk for developing detrimental behaviors, personality disorders, and disruptive lifestyles. Some of the variables in adjustment of children to parental divorce are (1) age of child at divorce, (2) amount of conflict in the marriage, (3) access to both parents after the divorce, (4) adjustment to a step-parent, if there is one, and (5) access to other nurturing adults during the childhood years.

Each year, over 1 million American children suffer the divorce of their parents; moreover, half of the children born this year [2000] to parents who are married will see their parents divorce before they turn 18. Mounting evidence in social science journals demonstrates that the devastating physical, emotional, and financial effects that divorce is having on these children will last well into adulthood and affect future generations. Among these broad and damaging effects are the following:

• Children whose parents have divorced are increasingly the victims of abuse. They exhibit more health, behavioral, and emotional problems, are involved more frequently in crime and drug abuse, and have higher rates of suicide.

• Children of divorced parents perform more poorly in reading, spelling, and math. They are also more likely to repeat a grade and to have higher dropout rates and lower rates of college graduation.

• Families with children that were not poor before the divorce see their income drop as much as 50 percent. Almost 50 percent of the parents with children that are going through a divorce move into poverty after the divorce.

• Religious worship, which has been linked to better health, longer marriages, and better family life, drops after the parents’ divorce.10

The divorce of parents, even if it is amicable, tears apart the fundamental unit of American society.11
There are two other similar myths about divorce:

The first holds that if the parents are happier the children will be happier too…. Children are not considered separately from their parents; their needs, and even their thoughts are subsumed under the adult agenda…. Indeed, many adults who are trapped in very unhappy marriages would be surprised to learn that their children are relatively content. They don’t care if mom and dad sleep in different beds as long as the family is together….

A second myth is based on the premise that divorce is a temporary crisis that exerts its more harmful effects on parents and children at the time of the breakup.…The belief that the crisis is temporary underlies the notion that if acceptable legal arrangements for custody, visits, and child support are made at the time of the divorce and parents are provided with a few lectures, the child will soon be fine. It is a view we have fervently embraced and continue to hold. But it’s misguided.12

In many states, if you do file for divorce and you have children, you will be required to attend a two-hour class on divorce education before your divorce is granted. This class is not designed to tell you whether you should divorce but rather reviews how to deal with it to have the least negative impact on children. It may be that some couples who file for divorce and attend the required divorce education class are among those who decide not to proceed with the termination of their marriage. Perhaps serious thought of the impact of divorce on children should precede filing for divorce as well.

4. Many Later Regret Divorce

Once people have made the decision to divorce, how do they later feel about the choice? There may be some immediate relief in many instances right after the divorce, but how do husbands and wives feel months or even years later? My current estimates are that about one-third of the couples who divorce feel they made the right decision, another one-third are uncertain or have mixed feelings about their divorce, and approximately one-third of divorced couples eventually regret the decision within five years.

In addition, many divorced people in the United States apparently wish they had made a greater effort to make their marriage work. In Minnesota, 66 percent of those who are currently divorced answered “yes” to the question, “Do you wish you and your ex-spouse had tried harder to work through your differences?” In a New Jersey poll, 46 percent of divorced people reported that they wished they and their ex-spouse had tried harder to work through their differences. Research from Australia indicates that of people who divorce, “one third regret the decision five years later. Of the individuals involved, two in five (40 percent) believe their divorce could have been avoided.”13 A recent letter-to-the editor in a large U.S. newspaper reflected the sentiments of one man among the estimated one-third who regretted his divorce. Under the title “Divorce Isn’t Worth the Cost,” he wrote:

I would wish to comment on the letter that ran Jan. 2 concerning the weakening of men and children through divorce. Anne Smart-Pearce was the author. To my great sorrow, I must admit I am a divorced husband and father. Anne speaks of the terrible price that is being paid and then asks, “If a mother had an equal fear of losing her children, would she so readily seek a divorce? Or would she do all in her power to avert such a tragic outcome?”

Might I add this, husbands and wives, if there is even one-half of an ounce of friendliness left in your marriage, take each other by the hand, look at each other’s eyes and then remember the love that brought you together in the first place! Let each other know, somehow, that you are needed, loved, and wanted! If you fail, you will reap the whirlwind, especially you, fathers. You will lose all that is important, near and dear to you. And that is your sweet wife, your wonderful children, and your home.

Oh, that I had been more wise and not let my pride be my downfall. I can tell you with knowledge that a seemingly endless tragedy does await! The mornings do come when you awake, call her name, and then realize that you are alone in a house that is ever silent and does not answer back.14
...

REFERENCES
9. David B. Larson, James P. Sawyers, and Susan S. Larson, “The Costly Consequences of Divorce: Assessing the Clinical, Economic, and Public Health Impact of Marital Disruption in the United States” (Rockville, Maryland: National Institute for Healthcare Research, 1995) 136.
10. Patrick R. Fagan, and Robert Rector, “The Effects of Divorce on America” Executive Summary (Washington, D.C.: The Heritage Foundation, 5 June 2000 ). Available on Smart Marriage home page under Marriage Reports. www.smartmarriages.com.
11. Lisa Laumann-Billings, and Robert E. Emery “Distress among Young Adults from Divorced Families,” Journal of Family Psychology, 14 no. 4 (Dec. 2000): 671-87.
12. Judith Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, A Twenty-Five Year Landmark Study (New York: Hyperion, 2000) xxiii-xxiv.
13. William J. Doherty, “Questions and Answers on the Minnesota Covenant Marriage Option,” (University of Minnesota, 1999). Available at www.smartmarriages.com.
14. Guy M. Bradley, “Letters to the Editor” Deseret News (11 Jan. 2001) A-10.

Love Like Crazy by Lee Brice

2011-07-11T09:28:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love this song and it's message about making marriage last throughout the years.

Before You Divorce, Part I

2011-07-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

Most of the couples who come to my counseling office have considered (or are considering) divorce. Many see counseling as a last ditch effort before the "inevitable" divorce. I recently discovered an article that talks about things to consider before getting divorce. The article is titled Marriage Crossroads and was published in 2003 in the Brigham Young University Marriages and Families Magazine. The author is Brent Barlow, a retired Professor from Brigham Young University. Because of the excellent content of the article (and partially due to my temporary writer's block), I am publishing the greater portion of this article on the Improve My Marriage blog. It will be published as a four part series on divorce.
___________________________________

The decision to divorce or remain together to work things out is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. It is crucial for those considering divorce to anticipate what lies ahead in order to make informed decisions. Too often the fallout from divorce is far more devastating than many people realize when contemplating the move.1

Approximately 40-50 percent of couples in first marriages arrive at this point (of considering divorce) and eventually choose the path of divorce. The divorce rate for couples in second marriages is between 50-60 percent. Many other couples apparently reach the crossroads but decide, for various reasons, to stay married. A Gallup Poll conducted in the United States found that 40 percent of married individuals had considered leaving their partners, and 20 percent said they were dissatisfied with their marriage about half the time.2 Stated another way, nearly half the couples in the United States currently divorce, and another 20 percent have seriously considered it.

Some Divorces are Warranted

While advocating marriage, we must be sensitive to those who have chosen to terminate their marriage. There could be legitimate reasons or grounds for divorce. An estimated 30 percent of the divorces in the U.S. involve marital relationships with a high degree of conflict.3 Sometimes violence, physical and mental abuse, and/or threat of life to spouse and children are also present in these highly conflicted relationships. In these situations divorce is most often in the best interest of those involved. Chronic addiction or substance abuse, psychosis or extreme mental illness, and physical or mental abuse are also reasons to divorce.4

Couples who divorce, particularly for the reasons noted, often need the help and support of family, friends, neighbors, religious leaders, and others in their respective communities. This is particularly so where children are involved. The adjustment to divorce is often difficult and…lasts for a considerable period of time. Legal assistance is needed, and sometimes couples may need counseling or therapy before, during, and after the separation for themselves and their children, if they have them. Competent counselors and therapists are available to assist in this transition.

1. The Other 70 Percent of Divorces

When we note that 30 percent of divorces involve couples in highly conflicted marriages, a question arises about the other 70 percent: Should they divorce or stay married? There are, perhaps, strong reasons for separating in some of these relationships as well.

One study reported that the major reasons marriages fail are (in rank order) (1) infidelity, (2) no longer in love, (3) emotional problems, (4) financial problems, (5) sexual problems, (6) problems with in-laws, (7) neglect of children, (8) physical abuse, (9) alcohol, (10) job conflicts (11) communication problems, and (12) married too young.5

Interestingly, physical abuse was ranked as number eight in reasons for divorce, and “no longer in love” ranked as the number two reason for divorce. Many marriages seem to end from burnout rather than blowout. A significant number of these couples could work through their problems, revive their love, and stay married if they desired and worked at it. Only the husband and wife involved in a particular marriage, however, can make that decision as they are the ones who must ultimately abide by the consequences of their choices.

It is becoming increasingly evident… to those who study marriage trends in the United States that a large number of divorces could, and perhaps should, be avoided in the best interests of those involved.

It is finally time to renounce ¬openly and clearly ¬the self- serving platitudes about independence and fulfillment and look at the reality of divorce. We act too frequently as if every infirm marriage deserves to die, based simply upon the emotional report of one distressed partner. Rather than viewing a separation first with alarm, we’re full of sympathy for a divorcing friend, and we offer understanding of the temporary insanity involved in severing old ties…. If you hear someone for whom you have any feeling at all hinting at separation, instead of tacitly endorsing the move, instantly protest. Nearly every marriage has something worth preserving, something that can be restored. Revitalizing a relationship brings triumph and ongoing reward…. Avoiding divorce spares those concerned from the greatest trauma of their lives.6

2. What are the Benefits of a Stable Marriage?

Several researchers and authors have reported the importance of a stable marriage for adults:

Married couples are healthier physically and mentally¬ and they live longer, enjoy a more fulfilled life, and take better care of themselves (and each other). This has been shown consistently over decades, but it is rarely mentioned in the popular debate on the family. One of social science’s best-kept secrets is that marriage is much more than a legal agreement between two people. Marriage truly makes a difference in the lives of men and women.7
...

REFERENCES
1. Michelle Weiner Davis, Divorce Busting; A Step-by Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again (New York: Simon And Schuster, 1992) 25.
2. David H. Olson and John Defrain, Marriage and the Family, Diversity and Strengths. (Mountain View, Calif.: Mayfield Publishing Co., 1994) 6.
3. Paul R. Amato and Alan A. Booth, A Generation at Risk; Growing Up in an Era of Family Upheaval (Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press, 1997) 220.
4. Diane Medved, The Case Against Divorce: Discover the Lures, the Lies, and the Emotional Traps of Divorce¬Plus the Seven Vital Reasons to Stay Together (New York: Donald I. Fine, Inc. 1989) 103-30.
5. Olson and Defrain, ibid., 522.
6. Medved, ibid., 11, 73.
7. Glenn T. Stanton, Why Marriage Matters (Colorado Springs, Colo.: Pinon Press, 1997) 73.

Improving Communication with a Softened Startup

2011-07-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

John Gottman is the leading expert in marital relatinships. He wrote a New York Times best-seller titled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Gottman is big on communication within a marriage. One of the things he wrote in the book was:

"...discussions invariably end on the same note they begin. . . If you start an argument harshly--meaning you attack your spouse verbally--you'll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup--meaning you complain but don't criticize or otherwise attack your spouse--the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy" (p.161).

Look closely at some of the recent arguments that have happened between you and your spouse. Did the argument start because you started the conversation in a harsh tone? Did you start off criticizing your spouse because of something done (or not done)?

Gottman didn't say spouses shouldn't complain towards each other, he said they shouldn't criticize each other. In his book he identifies the difference between a complaint and a criticism. "A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed. A criticism is more global--it adds on some negative words about your mate's character or personality."

"I'm really angry that you didn't sweep the kitchen floor last night. We agreed that we'd take turns doing it" is a complaint.

"Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it's your turn. You just don't care" is a criticsim (p. 27-28). Gottman says that to turn a complaint into a criticism, you simply have to add 'What is wrong with you!?!'

Harsh startups are usually conversations that begin with a criticism or have a critical tone. Harsh startups are not at all beneficial to the marital relatioship. Soft startups on the other hand can help provide an healthy atmosphere for a needed conversation. Soft startups begin in a respectful tone and do not demean the spouse. They can begin with a complaint, but they are again respectful. Look at yourself and evaluate whether you are using a soft startup when addressing difficult issues with your spouse. If you are not, start practicing this skill now and watch how your communication changes drastically within your marriage.

Affairs: Preventing an Affair

2011-06-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of planting seed in my backyard for grass. As my grass has been trying to grow, I have noticed that a lot of weeds have started coming up as well. I had done a lot of weed control prior to planting the seed and had thought I had taken care of my weed problem. I have since learned that I maybe moved too fast when planting the seed instead of taking my time to do it right. I could have done more in the area of prevention and taken more time to take better care of my grass. My priority was getting the seed down fast instead of taking care of it properly. I can still get rid of the weeds, but it is going to take more time and effort than if I had done things right in the first place.

Similarly when both partners actively work and make their marriage a priority, affairs are less likely to be a problem in the relationship. And though couples can heal from an affair, it is easier to work on preventing a problem from happening than to try and correct a problem once it has already formed. I have identified four concepts that will help make a marriage stronger and help prevent spouses from dealing with the effects of an affair: 1) Make the marriage a priority, 2) Regular communication, 3) Setting appropriate boundaries, and 4) Overcoming selfishness.

1) Make the Marriage a Priority. Before a couple gets married and when they are dating, their relationship usually takes precedence over things like work, school, finances, or other stresses. If the couple continues to make their marriage a priority things will continue to go well for them, but that doesn’t happen often. Couples can easily get tied down with work, finances, extended family, and so on. I’ve known several men where they would work a lot of extra hours in order to provide a good financial future for their family. I have known women who spend all of their spare time teaching the children or rushing them from one activity to another. I have known men and women where they spend more time with friends or extended family than they do with their spouses. In all three cases as time is spent elsewhere, the marriage often suffers the most. Make your marriage a priority by:

• Having a regular date night.
• Getting away every so often (a vacation without the children).
• Celebrating important times (i.e Anniversary, Valentine’s day).
• Going to bed together regularly.
• Maintaining a regular sexual relationship.

2) Regular Communication. Those couples who talk on a daily basis find that they are able to reduce the amount and intensity of their fights and feel a stronger emotional connection to each other. In the previous post, I encouraged couples to talk together for at least thirty minutes a day in order to begin healing from an affair. This principle also allies to prevention. Spend thirty minutes every day in conversation with your spouse. The goal of these conversations is not to solve marital problems, it is just to talk. Share opinions, thoughts and feelings. Listen to your spouse as he/she is talking. Make sure your conversation time is free from distractions like children (maybe do it after they have gone to bed), television, and cell phones.

3) Set Appropriate Boundaries. Affairs often start off as an innocent friendship with a co-worker, with someone from facebook, or working together with a member of the opposite sex in some way or another. When couples have boundaries, it is much more difficult to even have that innocent friendship let alone allowing that friendship to progress into an affair. Here are some ideas for appropriate boundaries:

• Never be alone with someone of the opposite sex. This includes avoiding lunch with an opposite sex co-worker by yourself if at all possible. Do not ride with them alone in a car. Do not be with them alone in a house (or especially a hotel).
• Do not do anything online that you wouldn’t do in person. For example, if you wouldn’t enter into a private room with a person in real life, don’t do it online.
• Read my post on Facebook and Boundaries.
• Both spouses should have access to all facebook accounts, email passwords, and cell phones.
• Avoid any and all forms of pornography.

4) Overcome Selfishness. When one person turns to another (outside of their marriage) for sexual or emotional fulfillment, they are thinking only of themselves. They are not thinking about their spouse. The best way I know how to overcome this selfishness is to serve your spouse. I cannot tell you how important it is for husbands and wives to regularly put their needs aside and focus on serving their spouse in one way or another. Marriage is about giving of yourself and supporting your spouse. Selfishness is counterproductive to bonding within marriage.

Do all of these things, and watch your marriage flourish. Watch how your satisfaction with your marriage increases. Watch the happiness grow in both you and your spouse—a happiness that will help to prevent possible affairs from occurring in your marriage.

Affairs: Healing from an Affair

2011-06-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

As I was doing a little bit of research, I found one man's story on a marriage forum. His wife had an affair for 12 years and he talks about his struggles and triumphs in getting his marriage back together. I think his story is incredible. I have highlighted some of the parts of the story that I found to be very important. Click Affairs: One Man's Story to read. If that link does not work, you can find the original comments here: How We Overcame Adultery.

Here are some ideas (taken from the story and my own experiences with couples in counseling) that will greatly help in healing from an affair.

To those whose spouse cheated:

Draw close unto God.
Be willing to forgive your spouse as soon as possible.
Hold your tongue (i.e. refrain from criticism, no name calling, don't tell your spouse you hate them).
Acknowledge how you contributed to a poor relationship with your spouse.
Seek individual counseling.

To those who cheated:

Draw close unto God.
End the affair IMMEDIATELY.
Honesty, Honesty, Honesty.
Answer ANY question that your spouse may have, and be completely honest.
Seek individual counseling.

For couples where one (or both) cheated:

Draw close unto God.
Resume your sexual relationship.
Spend time together in constructive activities.
Spend at least 30 minutes a day communicating with each other.
Set up healthy boundaries.
Seek marriage counseling.

Affairs: Introduction and The Effects of an Affair

2011-06-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

As a marriage counselor, I often find myself dealing with affairs in one way or another. Emotional affairs especially appear to be on the rise. I decided that I would write a series on this blog about affairs. The first topic will be the Effects of an Affair. Next week I will talk about Healing from an Affair. In two weeks, I will talk about Preventing an Affair. I should note that these are my thoughts regarding affairs. The information has been compiled from my experiences in counseling and in my own studies of affairs.

There are three primary aspects of affairs, emotional, physical and sexual. Affairs may contain just one of these aspects, or may also contain all three. An emotional affair begins when one spouse shares more of them self (especially their positive and negative feelings) with someone other than their partner. The offending spouse may think that their relationship with a particular co-worker, for example, is only an innocent friendship. However, if they are sharing things about them self and hiding (or not sharing) those same things from their spouse, they are probably in the midst of an emotional affair. Emotional affairs can happen in person, on line (i.e. chatrooms), through email, text, or letters.

Contrary to the emotional aspect of an affair, the physical aspect does happen in person and not online. People can talk about wanting to hold hands, cuddle, or be together but these are still being discussed emotionally before it happens physically. People in an affair will also do things physically to their affair partner that they wouldn’t necessarily do (or do with the same intensity) with their spouse. This can include kissing, hugging, holding hands, stroking hair, cuddling, and any other non-sexual touch. More often than not, the physical aspect of the affair is coupled with the emotional aspect of the affair. Some may simply call this an emotional affair. The physical aspect of an affair can quickly lead to the sexual aspect of an affair.

Being involved in a sexual affair is not just having sex with someone. It includes any kind of consensual sexual touching whether clothes are on or off (i.e. rape, incest, or being molested are not affairs in any manner). It includes any deliberate attempt to sexually arouse or be sexually aroused by the other person. It includes sexual thoughts or fantasies. The sexual aspect of an affair can happen in person, over the phone (phone sex), online (cyber sex), or in other settings. Women often view men’s use of pornography as a type of sexual affair. Sexual affairs can be simply sexual (one night stands, sex partner, etc.) and not have the emotional component. They can also be much more detrimental by including an emotional affair. Again in the sexual aspect of an affair, someone is turning away from their partner instead of towards in their sexual relationship. The offending partner may continue having a sexual relationship in some way or another with their partner, but the intensity and purpose of that relationship will differ than the intensity and purpose of their relationship with their affair partner.

What are some of the effects of affairs on individuals and on a marriage?

To say the least it is devastating, but not hopeless. For the victim (non-offending spouse) I equate it to being hit by a train and then having to live with the consequences. Sometimes the victim will see the train coming but will be trapped or stuck on the tracks. Sometimes they will have no idea the train is coming until they are blindsided by the impact. Needless to say, victims hurt a lot when they find out that their partner has had an affair of some sort. A few of the possible feelings felt include betrayal, fear, anger, depression, frustration, confusion, anxiety, humiliation, a sense that they “deserved it” and others. Some people bury or ignore their emotions. Some go into a sense of denial. Some experience extreme guilt or depression. All are affected by it in some way or another.

I have witnessed numerous individuals and couples who are dealing with the effects of an affair. I don’t think I have ever witnessed the magnitude of despair in any other situation. Having an affair may be one of the most hurtful things one spouse can do to another (almost equal with abuse in my opinion). Women (whose husbands cheated) tend to be more distraught when there is an emotional connection between her husband and the affair partner. Men (whose wives cheated) tend to be more distraught over the sexual aspect of the affair. Women will sometimes become much more critical of their spouse and will seek for immediate revenge. Men have a tendency to shut down and bury their feelings. They may "get lost" in work, sports, or alcohol as a means of not having to deal with their feelings. All will react in different ways and experience difference feelings.

The offending partner will experience a number of different emotions as well. They may feel guilt and/or depression. They may rationalize or minimize the affair. They may try to make sense of feelings of passion and lust. Offending partners may also sometimes feel relief or a closeness to their affair partner that they hadn’t felt in a long time (or ever). Offended partners may feel trapped by their emotions or confused by their feelings. Those who choose to end the affair and work on their marriage (the wise ones) could experience some of the previously mentioned emotions along with a host of others.

The effects on the marriage are also devastating. Couples can lose their friendship and their sexual relationship can get worse (though sometimes it “improves” as the victim tries to compensate or compete with the affair partner). Having an affair brings a lot negative elements into a relationship, but what makes it more damaging are the lies that go along with the affair. Trust is one of the important characteristics of a good marriage and the lies from the affair destroy trust in a relationship. The Theravive therapy website reported that “[affairs] affects one in every 2.7 couples. According to a published report in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, by the time we are 40, approximately 50 percent of all wives and 60 percent of all husbands will have had an extramarital affair.” That is not good news.

This website went on to further state that “Studies show that couples (who) choose to tough it out, and seek help such as marriage counseling, have the best chance of staying together.”

As devastating as affairs are on individuals and marriages, it is very possible to overcome the effects of an affair. I have witnessed it with my own eyes and in my own counseling office. As couples are willing to work hard, be honest, apologetic, forgiving and patient and work with the help of God, trusted friends and family members, counselors, and church leaders, they can move past the effects of an affair and have a satisfying marriage.

Dating Each Other After Marriage

2011-06-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

There is a trend I am noticing more and more in regards to continued courtship (or dating) after marriage. Most of the couples that I see in counseling do not go on regular dates with each other; which only seems to add to the distress of their marriage. In fact, encouraging couples to date each other has become a regular suggestion in my practice. On the contrary, couples who seem to be doing well in their marriage make dating a regular part of building their relationship with each other.

Recently I was talking about dating with one of the couples in my office. I had them plan a one day imaginary date (money, babysitting, travel, etc. were irrelevant as this date was imaginary). I then had them share their ideas with each other. Both the husband and wife were laughing and enjoying each other just on their imaginary date. After having them imagine a date, I had them talk about what they would do on a realistic date (factoring in costs and babysitting). They mentally planned out a lot of details, even to the point of making love after their date (or maybe that was actually part of the date).

At this point in our session, I then had the husband to ask his wife out on a date. He joked around and asked sarcastically. I made him ask her again two more times before he finally got it right. He started off by saying (not sarcastically), “Are you doing anything on Saturday?” She then started answering sarcastically and I made her re-answer until she got it right. She eventually said, “No.”

“Would you like to go out with me on a date on Saturday?”

“I would love to!”

She told him that she would arrange the babysitting. He told her he would plan the date. The wife was excited to have some emotional connection with her husband and felt like it was going to be a jump start to their relationship. The husband was excited about making love to his wife after the date and learned a little bit about the importance of emotional intimacy as a necessity to their sexual intimacy. Both left the session excited and hopeful.

This couple saw the potential dating could have on their relationship.

Sometimes married couples like to go out on double dates with other couples. That’s great! Sometimes couples are not able to afford to go out or have difficulties with babysitting and decide to simply do a date at home (see my post on at home date ideas). This is also great!

While going on double dates or having dates at home will be beneficial to your marriage, it is also important that you and your spouse go on dates by yourselves, without the kids, and away from the home. When dating at home there can sometimes be too many distractions. The wife might look at the house and think ‘I really need to work on the dishes.’ The husband might think, ‘I am just going to check the score of the game really quick,’ and then disengage from the conversation with his wife. Going on dates with other couples can be fun, but lacks the opportunities for conversation with each other. May I suggest that you make at least 50% of your dates be with just you and your spouse, and away from the home. May I also suggest that you go on a date at least once a week with your spouse.

As much as I would love to receive your money as you come to me for help, marriage counseling is significantly more expensive than dating. Date your spouse on a regular basis and watch how quickly your relationship will improve.

Boundaries (after marriage) with Members of the Opposite Sex

2011-05-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

I recently received this email from one of my readers (You may contact me by clicking "contact me" on the rigt hand side. You will be taken to my website at http://www.counselingwithbrian.com/). Her questions have been written in italics, while my answers will be in blue.

Throughout my marriage there has been talk between my husband and I about appropriate boundaries in a marriage. Brian, I would love your opinion on the following questions:

Is it natural for a man to be attracted to other women and to look at them, scroll through facebook pictures of old girlfriends, and watch semi-inappropriate things on tv?

Being attracted to another person is not a bad thing. It simply means that your hormones are working properly. Dwelling and fantasizing about this attraction is different and completely inappropriate. When a husband and wife are joined in marriage they make commitments to each other. Being faithful (not just phsyically, but also mentally and emotionally) is one of those commitments. Looking up old girlfriends is inappropriate. Watching semi-inappropriate things in movies or TV opens up the door for fatasizing about other women. There is a saying that says "You can't prevent a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from making a nest in your hair."

My husband spends more time talking with other women than men. Is this okay?

Some people get along better with members of the opposite sex than members of their own sex. However, husbands and wives need to be exceptionally careful when interacting with members of the opposite sex. Even if the husband or wife has no intentions of getting involved with any of the people he/she is talking to, they cannot control the thoughts and feelings of others. Other people may get the wrong idea or intention. I would suggest that husbands and wives should only talk to members of the opposite sex when their spouse is present or when there is a large group of both men and women. Being alone with a member of the opposite sex should be avoided.

My husband doesn't have very many friends. How can I help him with this?

There are many men who don't have very many guy friends. This is not necessarily a problem. Women often connect through social interaction. Men connect through doing things together. Men's connections can sometimes be formed through the workplace as he works together with co-wokers. A man's connection is also formed through his relationship with his wife. Often these connections are sufficient for his emotional needs to be met.

Is it okay for another woman to have a pet name for your husband if it just all fun and games?

NO! Though you or your husband may not be able to control this, you can approach the person and let them know you are uncomfortable with their behaviors. If all else fails, you can choose whether or not you associate with this person.

My husband wants me to dress modestly yet I often see him staring another woman who are dressed immodestly. How am I supposed to compete with that?

Is your husband aware that he does this? Is he aware of how it makes you feel? If no, you should probably calmly tell him. Staring at another woman (or man for the wives) is inappropriate. A married man may have the initial visual contact of a woman who is dressed immodestly, but he should work on diverting his eyes and controling his thoughts after that initial contact. Maybe you can help him practice diverting his eyes. Praise him when he does divert his eyes. Gently remind him when he doesn't.

I hope these questions are able to help create discussions between you and your spouse. Talk to your husband or wife about your feelings regarding boundaries. Read this blog together. Maintaining good boundaries with other people is important if you want your marriage to last.

Shacking Up, Staying Together, and Being Happy

2011-05-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

I was recently talking with a friend from my church about marriage. We were talking about how living together before marriage has become so commonplace in our society. Marriage is taking a back seat to “shacking up”. She talked about an episode of the Fox show “Breaking In” where a guy got down on one knee and dramatically opened a small little box that contained a key and asked his girlfriend, "Will you live with me?" She immediately turned the show off. Go Kathy!

After our conversation, I thought I would do a little research. I found a journal article titled "Does Premarital Cohabitation Predict Subsequent Marital Stability and Marital Quality? A Meta-Analysis." (A. Jose; K. D. O'Leary; & A. Moyer [2010] in Journal of Marriage and Family). This article incorporates over 28 other studies showing that cohabitation (or shacking up) reduces a couple’s ability to stay together and be happy. The article showed that couples who live together reduce their chances for staying together should they decide to get married. These couples will also generally be less happy in their marriages than those who chose not to live together prior to marriage.

[Living together is also detrimental to children. The Deseret News reports a study done by the Fourth National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect. “According to the report, children living with their mother and her boyfriend are about 11 times more likely to be sexually, physically or emotionally abused than children living with their married biological parents.”]

While the research clearly states that shacking up is not good for marriage, we tend to think otherwise as a society. By living together, couples think they can merely try each other on as you would do with clothing from a department store. If the item of clothing does not fit, you discard it and keep trying on other clothing.

With clothing, even when you find the perfect fit, it will still only last a few years. Fortunately, marriage is not like clothing. Getting married does not require any amount of “trying on” – it is an act of total commitment to each other and to God.

Couples who live together before marriage make the assumption that they can just stop living together if there are any problems. The dilemma with this assumption is that there are always going to be problems in relationships. It takes the commitment and dedication that comes from marriage (and not just living together) to persist through these problems. Shacking up is not about commitment, dedication, or persistence; it is about taking the easy way out when problems arise.

If you or somebody you know are considering living with someone before getting married in order to “try it out”, please think about the research and the implications of that decision. If someone is asking you to live with them, be strong and assertively say “NO WAY!”

Finances in Marriage

2011-05-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

Finances continue to be a hot topic among couples I see in counseling. I have seen many arguments in the sessions that have had money (or rather, the mismanagement of money) at the root of the problem. I recently read an excellent article on finances in marriage and families that I thought was very helpful. It is called “One for the Money” by Marvin J. Ashton. I would like to highlight some of the principles from that article as well as add my own insights about marriage and money.

1. Pay an honest tithing. Those who are members of the LDS Faith (as well as other faiths) recognize the importance of paying a tenth of their increase to the Lord by giving money to Him. Those who pay tithing believe that they receive direct blessings from the Lord. I include myself in this belief.

2. Avoid debt. Being in debt is an incredible burden to couples. When couples are in debt, they tend to focus on trying to make more money in order to cover their expenses. The priority of working on a marriage often slips or becomes so that it is not even a priority any more.

3. Live within your means. Those who find themselves in debt are often not living within their means. In other words, they spend more than what they have. If you find yourself in a lot of debt (excluding a mortgage, or student loans), maybe it is time to get a smaller house, cut the cable/satellite, cut up the credit cards, shop at thrift stores, or find other ways to live within your means.

4. Exercise restraint. “Married couples show genuine maturity when they think of their partner’s and their family’s needs ahead of their own spending impulses.” Learn how to differentiate between needs and wants. Buying milk for your family is much more important than buying new accessories or that nice flat screen TV.

5. Use a budget. Devleping a budget puts you in control of your money and helps you exercise restraint. I have created an income/expenses chart that you can use to track your money throughout the month. After you have used this chart for one month (recording ALL expenses and income), you will be able to see where your money is going and be better prepared to develop a budget. You can even use this sheet as a budget. Click here to download this file (excel).

6. The value of work. Working is not just about making money. It is about being productive and doing something worthwhile with your time. You may be depressed because you are out of work, or do not have enough money to meet your needs. Do something with your time instead of sitting in front of the TV or computer. Work on projects you have been meaning to do. Volunteer at your local library, school, or United Way. Find something to do to which you can contribute your time and energies. Working (for money or for free) will help you develop a better attitude and help you find a better job.

7. Education. Employers and the general public will pay you for what they believe you are worth. Getting an education can help you improve your worth to companies and the public. This education includes trade schools and apprenticeships. Education should be seen as an investment. “Based on potential lifetime earnings, the hours spent in furthering your education will be very valuable indeed.”

8. Home ownership. “Home ownership qualifies as an investment, not consumption. Buy the type of home your income will support.” Living in a home for an extended period of time has a lot of financial benefits. For example, homeowners are able to get better tax breaks than renters because their property taxes are deductible. A mortgage (obtained at a fixed rate APR) will also stay the same over the course of owning a home, while rent for homes or apartments generally goes up 2-5% a year.

9. Sufficient insurance. “It is important to have sufficient medical, automobile, and homeowner’s insurance and an adequate life insurance program. Costs associated with illness, accident, and death may be so large that uninsured families can be financially burdened for many years.

10. Food storage and financial reserve. Most people will struggle financially at one time or another. Having food storage and a financial reserve of at least three months can help couples and families weather the storms of unemployment, salary cuts, disabilities, etc. Families are able to tap into their reserves until they can figure out a way to financially meet their needs once again. Once families have figured out their situation, they should put money and food away again in order to rebuild that three months supply.

Regular Posts and Search Box

2011-05-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

I have added a search box to this website so readers can better find previous posts. I am also committing to writing one post every week which will be posted sometime each Saturday. The upcoming post for this week will be on marriage and finances. Thank you so much for all of your support. Keep working on improving your marriage.

Softening of the Heart

2011-05-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

A little while back, I worked with a couple in counseling who was trying to overcome the effects of an affair. The husband's actions in sleeping with another woman nearly destroyed the marriage. Counseling was helping the couple progress, although at a very slow pace. We seemed to take 3 steps forward and 2 back. Every time we took some steps back, we would have to battle together to get back on track. Once the counseling, and the healing of the marriage were back on track something would happen were we would lose a lot of our progress. We seemed to go through this cycle over and over again.

After a few months of moving forward very slowly, something incredible happened. I would like to take credit for what happened, but it had nothing to do with me. The husband had a softening of the heart. He was humbled. During one particular session (in which we were meeting individually) he said to me, "You know, I've recently realized something. I think I have a problem. I think I am too friendly with other women and I've realized that I am also inconsiderate of my wife's needs."

I could not have been happier. This particular husband was finally recognizing how his behaviors were affecting his wife. He was being responsible and accountable for his own actions. He was having a softening of the heart.

A prominent psychologist by the name of Victor Cline said this about the softening of the heart:

"I have found in thirty years of marriage counseling that learning new communication techniques, going to seminars on relationship skills, or reading all of the best books on the subject really won’t help heal marital wounds unless the individuals involved develop a contrite spirit or feel a softening of the heart. This softening of the heart usually needs to take place in both spouses, even though one may be principally at fault for the problems. While you can never force your spouse to change, you can change. You can choose to love and forgive no matter what else happens. The result will usually be a change in your spouse’s attitude and behavior as well." (“Healing Wounds in Marriage,” Ensign, July 1993, 18–19.)

Once this husband had the softening of the heart, the counseling process seemed to move much quicker. While there were still setbacks, they were minor compared to the progress the couple was making. Their marriage was healing and they started drawing closer to each other. The husband started becoming more understanding of his wife's feelings, and more committed to his marriage. His wife slowly started softening her heart and became more capable of expressing herself to him.

This couple has since terminated counseling but are together and committed to each other and their marriage. They were able to overcome some incredible adversity in their marriage mostly because both had softened their hearts towards each other. By softening their hearts, they accepted responsibility for their own actions (instead of blaming their spouse for the marital problems). They worked at changing themselves (instead of wasting energy trying to change their spouse). Had this softening never happened, we could still be going through the counseling process--3 steps forward, 2 steps back, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

Soul Mates

2011-04-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

I recently saw a quiz on soul mates in the teen advice section of about.com. I decided to take the test using my relationship with my wife. When I answered the test honestly, this was my result:

"Your score is 40. Soul mates or not your connection is uncanny. It is too hard to tell whether or not this relationship is part of destiny's grand design but it is undeniably special. Count your lucky stars that you have such a great connection with another person."

According to this website quiz, my wife and I are not soulmates. The stars didn't align for us to be together. We have problems and misunderstandings. She doesn't know what I am always thinking and I don't know what she is thinking. We did not commit ourselves to each other whn we were three years old. No, we actually have to work in order to have a successful relationship.

My personal feeling about soul mates is that it is a myth. I believe in attraction at first sight, but not necessarily love at first sight. I think love at first sight is great in movies and fictional novels, but does not accurately represent how life and love really work.

The idea of soul mates is such that it is important for one to find the only person in the universe with whom he or she is completely compatible. Once Prince Charming has found his Princess, or when the Princess finds her Prince Charming the idea is that they will live happily ever after without really having to work on their relationship. Their relationship will never have rocky moments because they are soul mates.

If relationships were really like this, there would be no individual or relational growth. Growth often comes as couples figure out a way to overcome challenges or misunderstandings in their lives. They learn how to relate to each other. When people are soul mates, they completely understand each other's opinions and may even have identical opinions about most issues. Growth comes from trying to understand another person's point of view.

I believe that soul mates are formed, not found. I recently attended the funeral of an elderly man. He was married to his wife in the early 1940's. I have only known the couple for the last five years, but if I could picture anyone as soul mates it was these two. They were always together. Their thoughts and beliefs about things were very similar. They were never seen apart. At the funeral though, I learned about some of their challenges they experienced throughout their lives. I learned about their committment to each other and to their families. Their committment, dedication, love, and hard work helped them be together through almost 70 years of marriage.

Strengthen a Marriage Through Positive Words and Actions

2011-04-17T23:09:00.000-07:00

Many couples think that having an equal number of positive and negative interactions shows that their marriage is balanced. Marriage researcher John Gottman has found otherwise. He has found that in healthy marriages, positive feelings and interactions occur more frequently than it’s negative counterparts. He identified the specific ratio at 5 positives to every 1 negative. (John Gottman, Ph.D. in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work).

Think about your own marriage. What happens to your feelings when your spouse says something negative about you (even if it isn’t intentional)? Does saying something positive automatically negate the negative interaction? Let’s say that you happen to have a day where you aren’t looking your best and your spouse makes a comment about the way you look. Does saying you look nice the next day make you forget about what he/she said the day before? No. Negativity is very destructive to a marriage. You can counter this negativity by making sure you are regularly doing/saying positive things to your spouse and striving to reduce the negatives.

A while ago I was working with a married couple in counseling who had a lot of negativity in their marriage. I saw the negativity come out in our counseling sessions through their intense arguments. They criticized and complained about each other. He would often raise his voice and she would shut down. Then when she raised her voice and began interacting more with him, he would shut down. Both called each other names, raised their voices, ignored, and gave all sorts of interesting non-verbal cues to each other.

After counting 20, I lost track of the negative things that were either done or said during that counseling session. After the session was over (and we made little to no progress in their relationship) I issued both husband and wife a challenge to do and/or say 100 positive things to each other throughout the course of the week. If I was unable to reduce the negative feelings with this couple, maybe I could at least help them balance out their relationship by increasing the positive feelings.

It worked! The couple was visibly different one week later in our session. They looked happier and reported having a much better week. They were unable to fulfill the 100 things requirement, but both made more of a concentrated effort of saying and doing nice things to each other. They still had a couple of fights during the week, but continued to focus on saying, doing, and recognizing the positive aspects of their relationship. I was amazed at how fast that activity strengthened their marriage.

Try it yourself. Try saying or doing 100 nice things to your spouse in the upcoming week. Don’t worry about avoiding fights or saying negative things. Just increase the positivity in your relationship and see if it makes a difference.

God and Marriage

2011-04-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

We live in a world where if you buy something and it breaks or is dysfuntional, you are very unlikely to purchase that same thing again. For example, at work I have a brand new Lenovo Thinkpad laptop. At first I thought it was the greatest laptop ever. It was lightweight and had great battery power. The applications worked great and it was very fast. I later discovered a little glitch in that when typing, the cursor often jumps to a different part of the page causing me to write half a sentence in a random place of my document.

That being said, why is it that after a marriage ends most people are still willing to have relationships and eventually get married again? Why are they buying the same product that they didn't know how to use in the first place? Why buy something if you know it is going to break again?

The truth is, people are very hopeful when it comes to marriage. And they should be--marriage was founded by God. In the beginning of time after God had created Adam he said, "It is not good for man to be alone," (Genesis 2:18). God created a "help meet" or partner for Adam and then encouraged him and Eve to be one (Genesis 2:24). Marriage has been around since the beginning of time. Family has been part of God's plan from the beginning. I recently read an article titled Teaching the Doctrine of the Family by Julie Beck. In the article she says that "God created a man and a woman who were the two essential halves of a family." Divorce was not part of God's plan. If God had intended for Adam and Eve to get divorced, he would have provided other people with whom they could marry. If God wanted people to be single he never would have encouraged Adam and Eve to be "one flesh."

We live in a world in which the value of marriage is being continually degraded by those around us. Look at the latest movies. How many of them put a postive spin on marriage? How many of them really portray marriage at all? Marriage as we know it is falling apart. But how is it possible for something to fall apart that originated from God? Maybe it is not marriage that is falling apart. Maybe we as a society are distancing ourselves from God and His eternal purposes. We place more emphasis on individualism than on being one with our spouses. We are more concerned about making a lot of money, than making sure our spouse's needs are met. When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, he did not command them to be selfish and seek their own interests. He commanded them to "cleave unto (each other) and be one flesh." Let us also go and do likewise in our own marriages. Let us seek to improve our marriage and look out for the needs of our spouse. Let us bring God back into our marriages. "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." (Mark 10:9).

My New Counseling Website

2011-04-03T16:55:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of creating a website for my counseling practice. You can access the website by going to http://www.counselingwithbrian.com/. The website is still a work in progress, but I am going to be continually updating the site. You will be able to find the website on this blog in the future by going to the Marriage Counseling link in the menu. I should also have more blog posts within the next couple of days. Keep those marriages strong!

Happy Valentine's Day Tasha

2011-02-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

At the risk of embarassing my wife, I feel that I must climb to the top of a mountain and shout my love for her to the world. For those who have not met her, you are truly missing out on one of life's greatest treasures. To those who have met her, know that I am the luckiest man in the world.

Last night we worked together at "heart-attacking" our boys' rooms. Little did I know that she had also "heart-attacked" our bathroom. I spent an extra amount of time this morning getting ready as I was reading all of her little notes to me (some were from her and others were written by her, but were things our boys would say). I just could not stop smiling as I read all of the little notes. She works very hard to take care of me, our boys, and our home.

Valentine's Day happens to be one of Tasha's favorite holidays. She believes that it is a time for celebrating all of one's relationships and not just one's relationship with a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. She spends time making gifts and cards for all of her family members. She even spends time making gifts and cards for MY family members.

Tasha is definitely a girl through and through (and having a house full of boys has not made her lose any of that cuteness). Her favorite flower is a rose. Her favorite rose is a deep, dark red. She loves crafts, her family, and her friends. She likes to wear pearls and look pretty. She loves good books and good movies. I will sometimes hear her crying and will turn to her to make sure everything is okay only to find that she is in the middle of a book or movie with a box of tissues close by. She tells me with tears in her eyes that Mr. Darcy has just proposed to Elizabeth and asks what I think. I really have no idea what she is talking about.

I am grateful for you Tasha and sincerely love you! Thank you for marrying me. Thank you for bringing three special little boys into our lives. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Prioritizing Your Marriage (and family) - A Personal Experience

2011-01-24T20:51:00.000-08:00

I just realized that my last post was on prioritizing marriage. I guess I have been thinking about this for a while. This past Saturday I had a good experience that made me think about the importance of putting my marriage and family first.

I should go back a couple of weeks. I have been putting in a lot of hours between my full-time and part time job. I was missing a lot of dinners with my family during the week and was also missing bed-time. I thought I was doing a good thing for my family by bringing in a little extra money. While we are not necessarily struggling, the past couple of months have been tough with paying for Christmas and also replacing tires on two vehicles. Needless to say, not having me home during dinner and bedtime for our three boys was quite stressful on my wife. At the end of one week she was talking to me about some of her stresses and upcoming events. While I didn't snap at her, I did give a look and rolled my eyes at the things she was telling me (hint - rolling your eyes and sighing heavily are not the best ways to show your spouse you are listening to him or her). We both apologized to each other a little later and made up. Do you want to know how amazing my wife is? She apologized as well, even though the little argument was completely my fault. Shout out to Tasha. You are so wonderful! Thanks for marrying me! I love you!

Anyways, this argument we had helped me realize that I had not been taking care of my wife's (and children's) emotional needs. I was so focused on providing for our financial needs (as well as some wants) that I was neglecting the other needs of my family. I neglected to support my wife, especially during the meltdown hour (which usually happens around 4:00 and as she is trying to get dinner ready). I later called my part time job and informed them that I was going to be cutting back some of my hours because I needed to spend more time with my family.

Going back to this past Saturday. I was working in my front yard (I love working on my house!) and a truck pulled up to our house. The guy who was in the truck was from one of those companies that takes care of your lawn. You know, they fertilize the lawn and treat the soil etc., etc. He told me about their services and asked if I would be interested. I told him that I do all my own lawn care including fertilizing. He looked at me and then looked at my lawn and said, "Well if you don't take care of it right it will get messed up. In fact, it is already pretty bad." The way he said it made me feel very stupid and small. My lawn has problems. This is true. There are weeds, some brown spots, and some dead spots. Yes it needs a lot of work, most of which cost more money.

I could have told this guy from the lawn care company, 'Maybe if you worked on your people skills, you would get more sales,' or 'Personally, I like the weeds and brown spots, they add character.' Instead I thought about how I could afford nicer grass if I continued putting in more hours at my part-time job. We could get some new furniture as well. There are plenty of wants and definitely not enough money to meet all those wants. But they are wants, not needs. My wife and family NEED ME (and not just my money). While golf course grass would be nice, working at meeting the needs of my wife and family are much more important.

Prioritizing Your Marriage

2010-12-26T23:29:00.000-08:00

I was talking with someone today whose friend recently got a divorce. He described his friend as a good man and an excellent father. This man was very aware of the needs of his children and worked hard to provide for them as well as for his wife. He was caring, compassionate, and hard working. He was dedicated to his family and made sure all of their needs were met. This family lived in a more expensive area and thus he chose to work more in order to meet the needs (and many of the wants) of the family. Seems like a good man, right? So why do bad things (like a divorce) happen to good people?

Sometimes it is a matter of prioritizing one's life. In the above example, the man was dialed into his role of providing for his children and neglected his role of providing for his wife. Sure, he provided a nice home, nice clothes, and plenty of food for his wife and children. He did great at taking care of his family, but he neglected to take care of his marriage. While providing financially to his children, he neglected to provide emotionally to his wife.

I've seen the same thing happen with women. They get dialed into their role of nurturing their children that they often forget that they need to nurture their husbands as well. They will spend all day with the children helping them with homework, taking them to soccer practice, and then taking care of the home. By the end of the day, they are too exhausted to even think about working on their relationship--they are too exhausted to nurture their husbands.

In both of these examples with men and women, both are doing great at fulfilling some of their important roles. However; both are letting other things (which are good things) take precedence over their marriage. Making your marriage a priority may mean not accepting a promotion that will give you a huge pay increase, but where you have to spend a lot more time away from your wife. Making your marriage a priority may mean taking the kids out of one of their activities so that you can have more time with your husband.

A man and woman's marriage should take precedence over the children, work, a clean house, and other social relationships (including online social relationships). I believe that the only thing that should come before a marriage is one's relationship with God (which is different than a relationship with one's church, church members, or church responsibilities--these come after one's responsibilities to their spouse and then their children).

Making sure your family is covered financially is a great thing, but if your marriage fails because it wasn't a priority--your finances are going to be worse than ever after the divorce (paying for two households costs a lot more money than paying for one). Having two households will also reduce the time a parent is able to spend with the children; thus nurturing the children is a great thing only if it is not at the expense of the marriage.

I am not saying that you should ignore the needs of your family or your children. I am saying that you should pay attention to the needs of your marriage and your spouse. Prioritizing your marriage takes a lot of work and consciousness, but putting forth that effort is worth if you want to have a good marriage.

Marriage Education Classes for Military Couples

2010-12-11T13:57:00.000-08:00

Marriage education/enrichment classes are great alternatives for couples who do not need counseling but would like to still strengthen their relationship. Classes can be offered as weekend retreats, one day workshops, weekly classes, or even online. As I did some research I found that the government often sponsors some of these programs for military couples. I read the following article from the http://www.strongbonds.org/ website:

Army Program Helps Build Marriage, Family Bonds

3/16/2010

Source: The Montgomery Advertiser

By Jenn Rowell

Between kids, keeping house and work schedules, there isn't a lot of Family time. Sprinkle in deployments and military couples don't have much time for each other.

The military has recognized the importance of Family and has adopted the Army Strong Bonds program that includes marriage enrichment retreats.

Capt. Jared Corsi and his wife, Katherine, went to one of those retreats in Hilton Head, S.C., recently and said it was a chance to focus on each other.

Jared Corsi is with the 926th Engineer Brigade, an Army Reserve unit with its headquarters in Montgomery, and returned last year from a yearlong deployment to Iraq.

"When I come home from work we have our son Benjamin, we make dinner and read books and there's really no time for Katherine and I," Jared Corsi said.

The Army pays for couples to attend the retreat, which includes sessions on communication, intimacy and conflict management.
. . .
Chaplain (Col.) Robert Hicks said the goal of these programs is prevention -- preventing divorce.
"Realistically, we have some people who come to these that are on the verge of divorce," Hicks said.

The Corsis said learning techniques and new ways to communicate or cope with deployments and everyday life was useful. But for Katherine, the best parts were spending so much time with her husband, and sharing with other couples.

"It was nice to see that other couples go through the same things," she said. "A lot of times you feel like you're the only one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those who are in the military, check out these websites:

The National Military Family Association is found at http://www.militaryfamily.org/ (for marriage enrichment, go here).

http://www.strongbonds.org/

For those who are not in the military (though military couples can attend these programs as well) check out the information from the Smart Marriages website.

The PAIRS program offers some excellent online classes. Go to their website here.

Arguing by Text

2010-12-03T09:12:00.000-08:00

I have noticed a recent trend happening with the couples I counsel. A lot of couples will send texts to each other which is not a problem (unless it is replacing face to face interaction with their spouse). The problems arise when couples have arguments by text. It may start out like this:

Husband (after leaving for work without acknowledging his wife): thnks 4 my lunch this morning (which didn’t happen).
Wife: thnks 4 saying good-bye this morning (which also didn’t happen).
Husband: didnt say good-bye bc u were grumpy.
Wife: was grumpy bc I was up all nite w/kids no thnks to u.
Husband: gimme a break. Been thru this b4
Wife: than y dont u learn. U never help w kids or house.
Husband: maybe I would if u stopped being such a nag.
Wife: maybe I would stop nagging if u pulled your weight around here.
Husband: you r such a b*****!

The wife might then stop texting with her husband, while he continues to send her criticizing texts. He may eventually stop sending the texts and may even apologize; meanwhile she is still ignoring his texts and never actually sees the apology. She decides to read the texts just before he gets home from work and gets all worked up again. The argument resumes almost from the moment he walks in the door. She’s offended because of the things he said to her. He’s offended because she ignored him all day and is rehashing the same argument. Nothing gets solved, they go to bed angry, and then start the whole process again the next morning.

Now obviously this couple has more issues than just fighting by text. The problem is that the fighting by text seems to only perpetuate the problem. People are more apt to say things about their spouse when they don’t have to see how their spouse will respond to what they say. Texts can also be very easily misinterpreted which only makes the argument worse. If you and your spouse argue by text, consider if it is actually helping your relationship.

All couples have disagreements in their relationship. All couples will “fight” to some degree. The important thing is learning how to fight fair. Fighting through texting is not fighting fair.

I love you BUT . . .

2010-11-20T00:07:00.000-08:00

During the course of therapy, I will often hear a phrase similar to this:
"I love you BUT you need to learn how to listen better," or this:
"I am so grateful for you BUT you don't know how to meet my needs."

Here are some more:
"You look great in that dress BUT you are wearing too much jewelry."
"You are an excellent father, BUT you don't help out enough around the house."

What do these phrases have in common besides all the "BUT"s? All of the phrases are not compliments but are criticisms. People often have something that they feel they need to say to their spouse (a criticism); however, they don't want to make their partner feel bad so they dress up the criticism with a compliment. Doing this, they think, somehow takes some of the sting out of the criticism. They put the compliment first and then link it to the criticism by using the word "but", "I love you BUT you forgot to take out the trash again." What people don't understand is that they are actually giving two criticisms instead of a criticism and compliment. In the sentences above the "but"s don't link the compliment; they actually negate it thus sending two criticisms and zero compliments.

"I love you BUT you need to learn how to listen better," is interpreted as "She thinks I don't listen AND she doesn't love me." Clearly that is not what the person intended to say BUT that is how it was interpreted.

"You look great in that dress BUT you are wearing too much jewelry," is interpreted as "He thinks I am wearing too much jewelry AND he doesn't like the way I look in this dress. In fact I wonder if he likes the way I look at all. Who does he think he is? My body has been through a lot. I have had children, of course I don't look the way I did when I was twenty. . . " Whoa! Stop! That is clearly not what the person intended to say BUT that's how it was interpreted.

Now that I have mentioned one of the communication variances that happen in marriage, you will begin to notice how often both you are your spouse use the word BUT. I hope you also recognize how using the BUT inappropriately can do more harm than good in your marriage.

So how do you change your behaviors How can you use this principle to improve your marriage? How can you appropriately give a criticism without using the BUT? I would say that you can use the BUT to your advantage. It is a matter of coming right out and saying what you mean (criticism) and then continue to compliment your spouse. In other words you can simply switch the clauses around the BUT so that the second clause (what you are intending to say or the criticism) comes first and the compliment comes second:

"I love you BUT you need to learn how to listen better" becomes "I would like you to listen better, but I sure do love you." The meaning behind these two sentences is completely different.

"You look great in that dress BUT you are wearing too much jewelry" becomes "I don't like all of the jewelry you are wearing but you look great in that dress." While the first sentence is degrading, the second builds confidence in your spouse.

Be careful with what you say to your spouse, and be careful with how you say it. It is okay to give constructive criticism, just make sure you do it appropriately.

Military Marriages

2010-11-14T22:33:00.000-08:00

I have noticed that some of my followers are military families. Please thank your spouse for his/her service and thank you for taking care of your spouse so that he/she may serve. I am grateful that you are following my blog and hope you are getting a lot out of it in order to improve your marriage. As I have only worked with one marriage where one spouse was in the military (and he was not deployed), I am unfamiliar with the marital dynamics that can happen when a spouse is deployed. What have you done in order to maintain your marriage when your spouse is gone for 6 months, 12 months, 18 months, or even longer? What helps you draw closer to your spouse even when he/she is not present? I will do some more research into this topic, but it will still be research and not personal experiences. I look forward to hearing about your personal experiences in improving your marriage either by email or in writing a comment to this post. Thank you and God bless you and your family!

Going Green: Getting (and Staying Married).

2010-11-13T10:14:00.000-08:00

An article by Devon Williams from http://www.citizenlink.org/ recently reported that marriage is not only good for individuals and children, but that it is good for our planet. Citizenlink cited a study done out of Michigan State University. The authors Jiangua Liu and Eunice Yu examined data from 12 countries. They found that married households are more conservative in their water, energy, and land use. Conversely, divorced couples require an extra 38 million rooms and spend 46 percent more per capita on electricity and 56 percent more on water when compared with married couples.

Who knew that marriage was good for the environment?

I have always known that I have not been doing everything I can to help save this planet. I recycle, but could be better. I try to conserve the energy I consume, but it also could be better. This past earth day I even cut down a tree (it was already dead). But now, I can work on improving my marriage and find comfort that I am indirectly helping to save our planet. Helping others improve their marriage will further contribute to a healthier environment.

When I was studying to become a Marriage and Family Therapist, I had wanted to help people and families in the communities where I would reside. I never thought that by helping to heal marriages, I would actually be saving the world.

Hanging on with Hope

2010-11-10T10:12:00.000-08:00

Many couples have come to me in despair because of the problems they were suffering in their marriage. I have seen couples as well as individuals who are completely unhappy in their relationship. I have worked with individuals who were very worried about their relationship while their spouse had no idea that they were having problems. I have seen and dealt with problems revolving around affairs, addictions, abuse, and intense arguments. When working with marriages where one or both spouses are unhappy, the common feeling that comes into the therapy room is despair.

Despair is a lonely and helpless feeling. It brings uncertainty and negativity. It is passive and hopeless. On the other hand, HOPE is a feeling of action. It brings clarity and strength. It is active and optimistic. When these couples come into my office, I will help them with their communication or their committment to each other. We can discuss skills that can be used to improve their marriage. We will work on helping them overcome addictions, or heal from infidelity. While these things are helpful to couples, the most important thing I can do for these couples or individuals is to provide them with hope.

No matter your circumstances, there is always hope. If you give up on your marriage, you will never know if time would have made a difference in your marital satisfaction. In their book The Case for Marriage, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher talk about some of their research with unhappily married couples. Their study found that "86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier . . . The very worst marriages showed the most dramatic turnarounds: 77 percent of the stably married people who rated their marriage as "very unhappy"...said that the same marriage was either "very happy" or "quite happy" five years later," (p. 148 of The Case for Marriage).

What does this mean? It means that a marital relationship can be very resilient to outside forces that could bring it down. It means that if you are unhappy with your marriage, you do need to feel despair. Other couples have been in similar circumstances, and have been able to make their marriage last. Be hopeful and determined. Don't give up. Be patient and believe that your marriage will not only last, but will improve and be happier.

Going to Bed Together Part II

2010-11-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

(Comment from the previous post)
Anonymous said...
I would love to go to bed with my husband... The only problem is his work schedule. With his job he works nights. Then on his days off, he doesn't want to mess up his sleep schedule so he is often up at night exercising, or catching up on work stuff. Or just reading or watching a movie. This is a really hard part of our marriage. I miss having someone to go to bed with. Is there anything you would recommend to help keep us as close, as if we were going to bed together every night?

In the previous post, I highlighted some of the advantages of a couple going to bed together. While this would benefit most marriages, certain circumstances (such as a job) may make it difficult to go to bed at the same time. The principle behind going to bed at the same time is that a couple is spending their last waking moments together before separating (emotionally). For those where the separation is physical as well as emotional, the same principle can apply. For those who are unable to go to bed at the same time with their spouse, it is important that you spend quality time together before separating. Spend at least 10 minutes together before separating. These ten minutes can be spent talking, holding each other, giving back rubs, playing a game, etc. There needs to be some sort of physical and emotional connection during these few minutes, thus sitting in front of the TV does not count.

It is also important to spend time together after returning from a separation. When both spouses wake up in the morning (whether at the same time, or at different times), spend a few minutes together. Again, this can be talking, holding each other, giving morning back rubs, going over the day, etc. For those who had a physical separation on top of the emotional separation (like with a grave yard hours job) the reconnection time after the separation is essential.

To the anonymous reader above, I would encourage her to try and spend time with her husband before he leaves for work (or before she goes to bed-whether he is leaving for work or not). Talk with him, go over the day, give him a foot massage (and hopefully he could return the favor). Ask him about his upcoming work schedule, talk to him about his excitements or fears for his day. Let him know how much you love and appreciate him. When the two of you are reconnecting in the morning (after you wake up and before he goes to bed), go through a similar routine. Maybe he could give you a foot massage or back rub for you when you are going to bed and you could return the favor when he is going to bed. No matter what you do, somehow you have to increase the time and quality of your connections before and after the emotional (and physical) separations.

Go to Bed Together

2010-10-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

The previous post talked about the importance of prayer in marriage. Going to bed together with your spouse is something that can help you introduce daily prayer into your nightly routine.

As I am writing this post (around 10:00 p.m.), my wife is on the couch next to me reading a book. In about 30 minutes we will be going to bed together. I love going to bed with her and I know that she loves going to bed with me.

While we go to bed together now, it did not always used to be that way. My wife would often go to bed early and I would stay up late playing games or watching TV. I rationalized my behavior by saying that I was just a "nightowl" and didn't need to go to bed as early as my wife. While I may not need to go to bed in order to sleep, I have since learned that I need to go to bed in order to be with my wife. Going to bed with my wife is not just about sleeping; it is also about bonding with the most important person in my life.

As we have made more of a conscious effort to go to bed together, we find that we often share many precious moments in our last waking hours of the day. Going to bed at the same time allows us to talk with each other before going to sleep. We will often talk about hopes and dreams. We talk about desires and even fears. We cuddle or rub each other's backs. Sometimes we fall asleep as we cuddle. Regardless of what happens when we go to bed, it happens to us together.

Some of the benefits of a husband and wife going to bed together include:

Sharing precious time together before separating (even though you are together, you are not consciously working on the relationship while you are asleep).
It helps avoid temptations that either husband or wife may have. It is easy to be secretive about things when your spouse is sleeping and you are awake. These things include addictions (pornography, substance use, etc.), talking/chatting with people you shouldn't be talking to, and so forth. Going to bed together makes these temptations/urges less of an option.
As you go to bed with your spouse, he or she can be reassured that you are not engaging in the above mentioned behaviors.
It will help you get a better nights sleep as you are going to bed at a reasonable time instead of extremely late. Couples who get adequate sleep are less likely to engage in intense arguments than those who don't get enough sleep. I could go on and on about the benefits of good sleep on relationships, especially the relationships with the people you live with (spouse and children).
Last, but certainly not least, it can imrpve your sexual relationship.

Go to bed with your spouse. You could even set a bedtime for yourselves. You make your kids have a bedtime to help them function better, why not give yourself the same opportunity.

Prayer in Marriage

2010-10-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

I believe that prayer between a husband and wife is one of the keys to having a successful marriage. I believe that those who ask God to bless their marriage will reap the blessings of that prayer both in their individual life as well as in their relationship. It is important to pray for your spouse and to pray with your spouse. It is also important to listen to your spouse as he/she prays for you.

A leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints once said “I know of no single practice that will have a more salutary effect upon your lives than the practice of kneeling together as you begin and close each day. Somehow the little storms that seem to afflict every marriage are dissipated when, kneeling before the Lord, you thank him for one another, in the presence of one another, and then together invoke his blessings upon your lives, your home, your loved ones, and your dreams.

“God then will be your partner, and your daily conversations with him will bring peace into your hearts and a joy into your lives that can come from no other source. Your companionship will sweeten through the years; your love will strengthen. Your appreciation for one another will grow” (Gordon B. Hinckley in Conference Report, Apr. 1971, 83; or Ensign, June 1971, 72).

As a couple prays together, they not only draw closer to God, but they also draw closer to each other. The marriage triangle below illustrates this principle (the reverse is also true; as a husband and wife draw further away from God, they also draw further away from each other).

Prayer can be a resource to help couples improve their relationship. It can also be a strength to those whose marriages are not going well. Ask God for guidance on how you can be a better spouse (even if your spouse is not giving any effort to the marriage). Pray for strength to continue in the marriage during difficult times.

I leave you with a challenge. Starting today, pray with your spouse everyday (or night, or both) for 3 weeks-21 days. Take note of how your marriage is now, and see if you feel any closer to God and to your spouse at the end of the 3 weeks.

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

2010-10-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

In my opinion, sexual intimacy is just as important in a marriage as communication, conflict resolution, spiritual togetherness, and emotional connectedness. Couples are usually able to talk about how they communicate with each other or how they resolve conflicts. They can have spiritual discussions and usually know how to connect to each other emotionally. However, many couples do not know how to have an appropriate discussion about their sexual relationship.

Marriage and intimacy expert, Laura M. Brotherson, recently talked about 20 questions that can help couples "break the ice" in terms of talking about their sexual relationship. Laura is the host of "The Marital Intimacy Show" and author of the book And They Were Not Ashamed--Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. To learn more visit www.StrengtheningMarriage.com. The original podcast for these twenty questions can be found at http://thewinonline.com/episode/lets-play-20-questions.

"You can make this a date night activity or something to discuss as you go for a walk. You could also choose a night for some pillow talk (with no expectation that it will lead to anything…!) and then ask each other the following questions. You may want to take turns who answers each question first. Here we go!

1.What are three of your favorite things about lovemaking?

2.What three things did you previously think I liked most about lovemaking?

3.How often do you think most couples have sex?

4.What do you remember about our first kiss?

5.On a scale of 1-10 (1 = a little, 10 = a lot) how much do you enjoy kissing in general? What could make it better?

6.What is one of your favorite memories of us being intimate?

7.What are three things that happen outside “the bedroom” that make you most interested in being intimate?

8.What are three things that happen outside “the bedroom” that make you least interested in being intimate?

9.When we engage in non-sexual touch or affection (i.e. hold hands, hug, sit close, etc.) what does that usually communicate to you?

10.On a scale of 1-10 (1 = a little, 10 = a lot) how important is non-sexual touch and affection to you in our relationship?

11.Where do you most like being touched during lovemaking?

12.What does sex mean to you?

13.What is something you’ve thought might be fun to try sometime?

14.What misconceptions did you have about sex before we got married?

15.What is one thing you wish we would have done differently on our honeymoon?

16.How much do you think our honeymoon experiences affect the sexual relationship we have today?

17.Tell me what your ideal intimate encounter with me would be like?

18.What do you most think about or worry about when we are being intimate?

19.What do you most like me to say to you during lovemaking?

20.On a scale of 1-10 (1 = a little, 10 = a lot) how comfortable was it for us to have this conversation?"

Used with permission from Laura M. Brotherson.

The Problem with Pornography

2010-10-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

Now, don’t read too much into that title and get the idea that pornography usage in a relationship (or at all for that matter) creates only one problem. The fact is, pornography creates a multitude of problems for people whether they are married or not. The biggest problem that I see with pornography use is that it facilitates lies and secrecy within a marriage (as well as other relationships).

While pornography already causes problems in a relationship, the lies and secrecy only further coumpound the problem. A husband who engages in pornography knows that his wife would disapprove of his behaviors. He knows that she would think differently about herself and her self image because of his behaviors. He knows that she would question herself and her part (or her perceived lack therof) in their sexual relationship. Yet he continues to engage in this harmful behavior. He thinks that he is making things better by not telling her about his addiction. He rationalizes not telling her because it would hurt her and be damaging to their relationship.

The truth is, his pornography use is already damaging the relationship. Keeping things from his wife may seem to help (in the short term) with their relationship; but long term, it further complicates the problems and makes the healing process more difficult. It makes it difficult for his wife to begin trusting her husband again. And, the longer the husband avoids telling his wife, the easier it gets to continue lying and keeping secrets from her (whether it is about pornography, or anything else).

I just recently read an article by Jill Manning about women healing from their spouse's pornography use. Jill is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Utah who specializes in working with sexual addictions, specifically pornography. The article is called Healing Concepts for Women Impacted by Pornography. The article comes from the website Combating Pornography which is a fantastic website for preventing, recognizing, overcoming, and healing from pornography use. The website is set up with information for individuals, spouses, parents, youth and leaders.

Know that pornography (as well as the lies and secrecy) will destroy your marriage, though it doesn't have to. Know that there is hope. Healing from pornograpy use is possible for both husbands and wives.

If you are interested in marriage counseling for dealing with this issue, or any other marital issue, you can click "marriage counseling" on the drop down menu above.

Apologizing and Forgiving

2010-08-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

I recently had a piece of Dove chocolate (I LOVE chocolate!) and on the inside of the wrapper was a little saying that is very applicable to marriage: "Pick flowers, not fights. Forgive and forget." It got me thinking about the importance of apologizing and forgiving in marriage.

A little while ago, I had a married couple come to me for counseling. They were having frequent and intense arguments and wanted to improve their marriage. Their fights had gotten so bad that they were not only name calling and very critical of each other, but they started getting physical. Both would break things, the husband would punch holes in the walls, both would push each other, and they even sometimes got to the point where they would hit each other. As their fights started getting physical, they realized that they needed help if they wanted their marriage to last.

After getting some background information, the very first thing we talked about was apologizing and forgiving. I even had them apologize to each other right there in the room for a fight they had a couple of nights ago. Fights or intense arguments usually have the effect of braking down the bond or closeness between two people. Apologizing is the first step to rebuilding that necessary bond between husband and wife.

If you have had an argument with your spouse, make sure you apologize after you have calmed down. Make sure it is a sincere apology and not just saying 'sorry' to end the argument. Even if you were right in the argument, you still went about proving your point in the wrong way. You still did not show respect for your spouse and his or her opinions (even if they were wrong).

While it is important to apologize after fights or arguments, there are also other times when apologies are needed. If you have did something with which you know your spouse disapproves--apologize. If you said you were going to do something and didn't do it--apologize--DO IT--and then apologize again. If you forget about a day or event that is meaningful to your spouse--apologize. Anytime you have done or said something that has broken or weakend the bond between the two of you--apologize.

When your spouse has apologized, forgive him or her. In fact, work on forgiving your spouse even before (or if) they apologize. If apologizing is what builds a marriage after a negative event, forgiving is having the determination to not allow that event to ruin your marriage.

Forgiving is a difficult process and can sometimes take time. If you are the offending partner, be patient. Give your spouse the time he or she needs. If you are the offended partner, be persistant. Don't let too much time go by before you are able to forgive.

I have included the two end scenes of one of my favorite movies on marriage, Fireproof.

An example of a sincere apology (the actual apology begins about halfway through the clip).

An example of forgiveness.

Love Map Exercise

2010-08-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

Here is a fun game developed by John Gottman. Get two pieces of paper and two pen or pencils. Answer the following fifteen questions about your spouse, while your spouse is doing the same for you. The number in parenthesis is the number of points you get if you get the answer right. See who is able to get the most points between you and your spouse. There are actually 64 of these love map cards. I am only able to share the first fifteen because of copyright issues.

1. Name your partner's two closest friends. (2)

2. What is your partner's favorite musical group, composer or instrument? (2)

3. What was your partner wearing when you first met? (3)

4. What are your partner's hobbies? (3)

5. Where was your partner born? (1)

6. What stresses are facing your partner in the immediate future? (4)

7. Describe in detail your partner's day, either today or yesterday. (4)

8. When is your partner's birthday? (1)

9. What is the date of your anniversary (1)

10. Who is your partner's most favorite relative? (2)

11. What is your partner's fondest dream, as yet unachieved? (5)

12. What is your partner's favorite flower? (2)

13. What is one of your partner's greatest disaster scenarios? (3)

14. What is your partner's favorite time for making love? (3)

15. What makes your partner feel most competent? (4)

Click here to purchase all 64 love map cards from the Gottman Institute.

Humor in Marriage

2010-08-01T22:49:00.000-07:00

Appropriate humor is an important principle of healthy marriages. I have seen couples in my practice that have a sense of humor and many that don't. Those couples that use appropriate humor (humor that does not degrade one's spouse) in their relationship will often go through the counseling process quicker than those who do not have a sense of humor.

I recently read a journal article1 that correlated a couple's level of humor in their relationship with their level of relationship satisfaction. The authors discussed three types of humor in a romantic relationship: 1) Possitive humor--used to feel closer to one’s partner and to ease tension, 2) Negative humor--used to express hostility toward one's partner, and 3) Avoiding humor--used to either minimize or avoid conflict entirely, often by changing the focus of conversation.

In their study, the authors reported that those who were more satisfied with their romantic relationship used more positive humor and less negative and avoiding humor. They further found that individuals who are highly satisfied with their relationship will use humor that is beneficial to the functioning of their relationship.

What does all this mean? It means that couples who laugh together (and not at each other) are generally more satisfied with their marriage than couples who don't laugh together. It also means that couples who are invested in their relationship use appropriate humor to continue to improve their relationship. Want to improve your marriage? Work on increasing your positive humor within your relationship and decreasing your negative and avoiding humor.

Since we are talking about humor, I thought I would throw in a funny Brian Regan clip about men and women.

1. Butzer B, Kuiper NA. Humor use in romantic relationships: The effects of relationship satisfaction and pleasant versus conflict situations. The Journal of Psychology, 2008, 142(3), 245–260.

Pushing Against the Rock

2010-07-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share this story as I think it can very much apply to a marriage. We sometimes may try very hard to make our marriage and families successful. When things don't go the way we expect, we sometimes tend to think that we are failing. Perceived failing in one area of our lives can lead to the perception that we are a complete failure in all of our lives.

Pushing Against the Rock

Author Unknown

There was a man who was asleep one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man He had a work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture placing thoughts into the man's mind such as; "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it? etc." Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought. I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum of effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when long ago I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mentioned to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock.

But your calling was to be obedient, to push and to exercise your faith and trust in my wisdom, this you have done. I, my friend, I will now move the rock."

Listening - a forgotten art

2010-06-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

A while back I had a client who was a simple and uneducated, older man. He was from a rural area and his speech was slower than most. His clothes were practical and his appearance was ordinary. Though he was simple, he said one of the most profound things I have ever heard in regards to marriage and relationships.

He said, "You know Brian, I think the good Lord gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason--he wants us to listen more than we talk."

In my practice, I have noticed that more and more couples are forgetting the valuable communication skill of listening. I am sure they used some sort of listening skills early on in their relationship, otherwise they never would have gotten married. The truth is, a spouse who listens well is able to demonstrate understanding and compassion towards their companion. Understanding and compassion between two people help them feel close to each other; it helps them feel intimate.

A lot of my time in counseling is spent on helping spouses learn how to listen to each other. The other day a couple started arguing in my therapy room. I let the argument go on for a little while because 1) I was enjoying it and 2) I was planning on using it as a teaching moment for their relationship. Before the argument could get too heated I had them stop. I then asked them to make some sort of physical connection (they held hands) and then told the husband to tell his wife what he heard her saying during their argument. He didn't really know because his focus was not on her. He was focused on himself during the argument. Similarly, the wife was also focused on herself. Hence no understanding, no compassion, no intimacy. I then had the wife respectfully say what she was saying before and had the husband repeat what she said (all the while, they are talking with each other-not me). I had the husband further think about what the wife was feeling then had him tell her how he perceived she was feeling during the argument. After he was done, I had the wife do the same thing (tell him what he was thinking and feeling during the argument). Just as he didn't understand what she was thinking and feeling, she didn't understand what he was thinking and feeling. He respectfully told her his thoughts and then she repeated it back to him.

We then discussed the differences they felt between arguing and really talking with each other. When arguing-they felt like they were pulling apart. Neither felt understood; neither felt confident about their relationship. When they were talking and listening, they drew closer to each other. There was mutual understanding and confidence (even if for a moment) that things would work out in their relationship. We highlighted some of the qualities they demonstrated that brought intimacy to their conversation. The listening qualities were as follows:

Pay attention to your spouse when he/she is talking. Pay attention to their words as well as non-verbal behaviors.
Maintain some sort of physical contact when talking (holding hands, cuddling, etc.). Maintaining phsyical contact usually reduces the tension when talking.
Try to understand what your spouse is feeling when he/she is talking to you.
When talking with each other eliminate distractions, such as the TV, cell phones, etc.
After your spouse has spoken, summarize what he/she has said, asking for clarification if you did not understand something.

While there are many other skills that are needed in order to communicate well with your spouse, these skills will help you become a better listener. Becoming a better listener alone will help you communicate better and improve your marriage.

Trust and Honesty

2010-06-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

I frequently see marriages deteriorate because of spouses keeping secrets from each other. People will get involved with another person (emotionally, physically, and/or sexually) or will be involved with various addictions (pornography, drugs/alcohol). Spouses will have negative behaviors or traits (such as overspending, or laziness) and will seek to hide or minimize these behaviors. While those above practices are not good for a marriage, attempting to hide those things is even worse. For some odd reason people think they can regularly hide things from their spouse and still go on having a great marriage. The truth is, keeping secrets damages trust in a relationship. In marriage trust and honesty are some of the core principles that will keep a marriage strong. Usually, the higher the trust and honesty--the higher the marital satisfaction. Similarly, as trust and honesty decline, so does the marital satisfaction.

It is interesting to note that spouses who hide things often believe that their spouse is not being trustworthy with them. Freud referred to this type of behavior as a specific defense mechanism called projective identification. We rationalize our negative behaviors and beliefs by claiming that others around us also carry those same behaviors and beliefs. See how this works, even if you are doing a great job at lying to your spouse and he or she does not know about your hidden behaviors, trust is still damaged. It may not be damaged in him or her, but it is damaged in you.

If you are hiding things from your spouse (or considering doing so), ask yourself these questions:

What behaviors am I hiding from my spouse?
What am I doing to cover my tracks so my spouse does not find out about those behaviors?
How important is the principle of trust in your relationship?
How important is trust to your spouse?
If my spouse found out about these things that I am doing, how would he/she react?
Would trust be damaged if my spouse were to find out?
How long would it take to restore that trust?

Be honest, trustworthy and faithful to your spouse.

Changing Behaviors from a Traumatic Past - Transitional Characters

2010-06-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

Recently in my practice, I was working with a couple struggling in their marriage. Both had bad examples of marriage from their parents, especially the husband. The husband's father was neglectful and abusive towards his mother. He was controlling and manipulative. Even though this husband resented his father's behavior towards his mother, he still found himself mirroring the same behaviors during the first part of his own marriage. He has since changed and strives to be better, though sometimes old habits die hard and he slips back into his old behaviors.

During our session today, this husband and wife started getting into an argument. I started seeing the husband's old abusive and controlling behaviors creeping into the situation. I respectfully and quickly stopped their argument before it could get any worse and then asked the wife if I could talk with her husband alone. She consented and left the room.

When talking with the husband, I praised him for his efforts in changing his past abusive and controlling behaviors. I then told him that I had noticed that he was starting to display those negative behaviors as he was arguing with his wife. He began to tear up (as he realized he was mimicking his father). I then proceeded to talk to him about being a transitional character.

A transitional character is someone who in a single generation, completely changes the history of their future posterity.

Transitional characters will often be children of alcoholics who are determined to never take a drink, or children who have been abused who vow to treat their own children appropriately. This husband had had generations of dysfunctional marriages before him. I told him that the changes he could make would affect not only his life, but the life of his children, grandchildren, etc. As this husband changes his behaviors and learns how to appropriately treat his wife he will be shaking the chains of negativity that have plagued his family for generations. He will be showing his wife, and his children that he will not allow himself to be bound by previous dysfuntion. This husband, with his traumatic past, can decide to change the future and set a new standard thus being the transitional point between dysfuntioncal and functional in his family and marriage.

While not all of us had parents who had dysfunctional (or non-existant) marriages, we can still apply the principles of being transitional into our own marriage. Transitioning is about doing better than the previous generation. It is about change. Look at your parents marriage/relationship and think about how you wished it could have been different. Maybe your mom could have shown more love towards your dad, maybe your dad could have listened better. Maybe they could have been more affectionate. Maybe they could have been more optimistic. Determine to change your posterity by adopting marital qualities that you wished your parents had. Be transitional and continue to improve your marriage.
For more, you can read this article Breaking the Chains of Negative Family Influences.

Using Your Marriage to Lower Your Blood Pressure.

2010-05-24T23:57:00.000-07:00

I was reading a recent journal article1 in the Behavioral Medicine journal and came across some fascinating information. In the introduction of the article they stated research that had been done previously. This research indicated that low blood pressure levels are connected with high marital quality 2-4,interaction with one’s partner 2, and the reception of frequent hugs from one’s partner 3.

This is fantanstic information! Those who work on improving their marriage not only improve their relational functioning but also improve their physical health, specifically their heart. No wonder the heart is associated with love.

Since reading this, I often go up to Tasha and say, "Hey, would you like to help me lower my blood pressure?" She will often smile and then come over and give me a long hug. I love those!

Give your spouse hugs. Ask hugs from him or her. Have frequent (and meaningful) conversations. Continue working on improving your marriage and see if your phsyical health improves as well.

References
1. Denton WH, Burleson BR, Brubaker PH. Avoidance may be bad for the heart: A comparison of dyadic initiator tendency in cardiac rehabilitation patients and matched controls. Behavioral Medicine. 2009; 35: 135-142.
2. Gump BB, Polk DE, Kamarck TW, Shiffman SM. Partner interactions are associated with reduced blood pressure in the natural environment: ambulatory monitoring evidence from a healthy, multiethnic adult sample. Psychosom Med. 2001;63:423–433.
3. Light KC, Grewen KM, Amico JA. More frequent partner hugs and higher oxytocin levels are linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate in premenopausal women. Biol Psychol. 2005;69:5–21.
4. Gallo LC, Troxel WM, Kuller LH, Sutton-Tyrrell K, Edmundowicz D, Matthews KA. Marital status, marital quality, and atherosclerotic burden in postmenopausal women. Psychosom Med. 2003;65:952–962.

Change your marriage by changing yourself

2010-05-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

I think that this has to be one of my favorite principles regarding marriage. I often (in fact almost daily) see people where one spouse is complaining that their marriage would be better if only their spouse could do more of this or less of that. If only he did more housework...if only she made love to me more...if only he would play less golf ...if only she would spend more time with me. If only improving your relationship was completely dependant upon your spouse, life would actually be pretty hopeless. I am not saying that your spouse will never change, I am just saying that it is much easier to change yourself than to change your spouse.

I believe that you can change your marriage more in two months by changing yourself than you can in two years by trying to change your spouse.

Begin by thinking about your spouse. What does she like? What makes him feel loved? What puts a smile on his face? What makes her laugh? What would make your spouse happy?

Next begin putting those thoughts into action. As you begin to change your behaviors towards your spouse, you may initially feel resentment that you are having to put forth the effort in order to change your relationship. Don't worry, your efforts (and continual patience) will be worth it.

Make a concentrated effort to do one thing every day specifically for your spouse. Do not expect change in your relationship after one day, or even one week. The change in your relationship will occur simultaneously as you are learning how to truly love your companion (and not resent him or her for what they are doing or not doing).

There have been times in my marriage when I wished things were going better. I would think 'if only my wife would make love to me more often, our marriage would be much stronger.' 'If only she would play some of my favorite games with me, we would get along better.' I never outwardly expressed these thoughts, but they occupied my mind and I am sure that they affected my actions towards my wife. Eventually, I realized that my wife did not deserve to live with a husband who was constantly complaining about his marriage (even if I wasn't directly voicing my opinion). I started doing more of the things that she liked. My efforts and energies were directed into making my wife happy instead of complaining about what she did or didn't do. As I began to focus more on loving my wife and making her happy I was able to notice things that she was doing regularly to show her love towards me. I had previously been blinded to those things because of my negative and selfish attitude.

If you are feeling unloved in your relationship or if you have that nagging feeling about wanting your husband/wife to change--focus your efforts first on changing yourself. Be patient and persistant, and watch as your life changes and as you change your marriage. Change begins with you.

For more on this topic read Change Youself and Change Your Marriage by Douglas A. Abbott.

Facebook and Boundaries

2010-04-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

I imagine that I may get a lot of flak for this post, because I am going to be talking about facebook. It is not my goal to make people abandon using facebook--I just want people to be aware of how facebook can effect a marriage.

I am currently seeing a lot of clients where one partner was unfaithful to the other. In about 80% of those infidelity cases, the offending partner first came in contact with their affair partner through facebook. It usually starts innocently such as reconnecting with an old friend from high school (or even an old boyfriend/girlfriend). Messages to each other through facebook become more frequent and eventually lead to sending emails back and forth. Next comes texting and talking with each other on the phone. The spouse begins to question her (or his) own marriage as she (he) is experiencing "falling in love" with this old aquintance. Following the talking and texting on the phone the two will decide to meet up with each other for lunch. Now they do not usually have sex the first time they meet up, but they will continually meet each other and continually spend more time with each other. They both admit having feelings for each other. At this point the relationship could be considered an emotional affair. One thing leads to another and they end up having sex together, maybe even multiple times.

It is at this crisis point in marriages where people often turn to counseling and I see them in my office. Again, I do not have anything against facebook. By no means am I saying that everybody who uses facebook will have an affair. In fact, facebook is a great way of keeping in touch with old friends. I just do not like the amount of secrecy that often occurs when someone is using facebook (private messages/chats with members of the opposite sex, spouse not knowing facebook password, etc.).

Ask yourself these questions:

Does my spouse have access to my facebook account?
How would I feel if my spouse saw some of the messages that were sent to me?
Does my spouse know who I am talking to on facebook?
Does my spouse disapprove of any of my friends on facebook?
Do I spend more time using facebook than with my spouse?
Am I trying to keep my activity on facebook a secret?

Finding reasons to disrupt a marriage is becoming easier and easier. Develop healthy boundaries when using facebook. Use facebook appropriately and don't allow it to get between you and your spouse.

Commitment

2010-04-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

People often ask me if I get tired of dealing with people's problems all day every day. Since the people usually asking are my clients, I usually respond that doing therapy is often rewarding. While this is true, lately I have been quite discouraged at people's attitudes towards marriage. Many people these days are completely unwilling to commit themselves to marriage or their partner. They are unwilling to work and are simply looking for pleasure in their relationship. When asking how long they expect their marriage to last, some often reply, "We'll see."

We'll see?

So are you waiting for someone better to come along or are you only in your marriage "for better?" Recently my boys watched Madagascar 2. Towards the end the skipper penguin is getting married to his bobble-head, hula-dancer girl. When getting married, the priest is in the middle of saying some of the common words of the marriage vows, "...love each other in sickness and in health, for better or worse," when the skipper jumps in and says "for better please."

I actually think that is a common attitude with people in today's society. People only stay in their marriages "for the better." When trials come--they run. When somebody comes along that they think is better than their spouse--they leave. One of the keys to a successful marriage is commitment. That being said, having a successful marriage does not mean that the marriage is free from arguments, trials, or discouragement. Having a successful marriage means you work through those difficult times.

People who leave their marriages when things get tough are missing out on developing a deeper, stronger lover for their spouse. Often when couples go through trials within their marriage, and overcome those trials, they tend to develop a closeness they never had. Difficult times in marriage are often like a refiner's fire. Difficult times help the marriage become stronger (if both partners are willing to put forth the work and effort to overcoming those problems). Overcoming difficult times can help a couple increase their commitment to each other and to their relationship.

I must throw in a little praise for my wife at this point (she will probably be embarassed; the good news is, she has access to editing this blog and can erase this part if she would like). Through our ups and downs, my wife has ALWAYS been there. Seeing clients that don't value their marriage makes me love my wife even more because of how much she values it. To my wife, I say thank you for hanging in there with me even through some of my dumb mistakes. Thank you for loving me despite my imperfections. Thank you for marrying me. I love you.

Love is a Verb

2010-04-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

Even though I will be describing love asa a noun throughout this post it should be more commonly thought of as a verb--or in other words an action word. Love is not something you wait for, it is something you do. I is not something you hesitate with, it is something you decide. Loving somone (especially your spouse) is your choice. So choose to love your spouse.

I am sure you have heard of the term "falling out of love." I hear it all the time in my office: 'Why do you think your marriage to ______ will not work?' A very common response to this question is 'Well, we have just fallen out of love." The questions beg to be asked--why do couples fall out of love? Why do relationships fall apart after 1 month, 5 years, 25 years, or longer. While there are numerous causes for disolutions of marriage, one explanation is that couples who fall out of love stop choosing to to love each other. They stop caring, stop trying, and ultimately give up.

It is quite possible that couples who fall out of love never really knew the true meaning of love in the first place. When they were dating and engaged, they were probably extremely attracted to each other on a physical, emotional, intellectual, and even spiritual level. Things were great because they were "in love." Let me make one thing clear; being attracted to someone is not the same as loving that person (hence the phrase "being in love" is somewhat of a misnomer). Actraction to another person happens. Loving someone takes action. Loving someone means trusting, serving, enduring, apologizing, forgiving, and working on the relationship. Those same people who fall out of love may also be the same people who don't know the true meaning of love.

One explanation of the true meaning of love is given by the apostle Paul:

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

(1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

My heart reaches out to those couples who have fallen out of love. Do not despair; there is hope. Even if you spouse is unwilling to change, you can change yourself. Begin changing by choosing to love your spouse (regardless of what he or she has done or not done to or for you). Watch the change happen in you as you learn how to truly love. Love is not a noun, it is a verb.

Simply Trying

2010-04-07T22:35:00.000-07:00

There is something amazing that happens when one spouse tries something new in order to improve their marriage. A few weeks ago, I had some clients in my office who had been coming to counseling for a couple of months. When I asked them how things were going with their relationship they said that they were not doing too well. They were still fighting and their fights were still frequent and intense. They were still focused on getting their own individual needs met instead of meeting the needs of each other. I next asked them if they tried anything during the past two weeks (since the last time we met) in an effort to improve their relationship–blank stares followed by drooping heads.

We had talked about books to read, or things to do together. We discussed date ideas and improving their spirituality. They had come up with their own ideas to supplement my ideas. Needless to say, their tool box was full of wonderful tools–they just didn’t use them. They didn’t try using any of the tools in their tool box. They didn’t try to improve their marriage in that two week period.

Now maybe they were afraid that the ideas wouldn’t work. Maybe they didn’t know exactly how to implement the things we had discussed. Maybe they simply forgot the ideas they had discussed. Maybe they were just lazy. Maybe I should just give them the benefit of the doubt.

I would give them the benefit of the doubt if I could. "But I can’t, so I won’t." I cannot excuse this couple’s behavior because I have seen the difference it makes when other couples try with their relationship. Take John and Mary for example (names have been changed). They were in counseling for several weeks (not months) and amazed me at every session. Every single week they improved their marriage. They tried to improve their marriage weekly, even daily. I recall one session where I suggested a certain movie for them to watch. Guess what, they tried it and it didn’t work for them. However, they talked with each other about why it didn’t work and figured out ideas that actually did work for them. When one thing failed, they continued trying until something worked.

John and Mary are doing very well in their relationship. They have concluded counseling and are on their way to a better and more fulfilling relationship. Will there still be rocky moments in their relationship? Of course. Will they still argue and continue to make mistakes? Absolutely. But, they have learned that if they try they will be able to work out their problems. They will be able to move past their difficulties.

The first couple I mentioned is still wondering why their marriage is not going well. . . they are also still in counseling.

Simply trying makes a simple difference.

What is happening to marriage?

2010-04-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I saw a husband and wife in my office for marriage counseling. They were having problems with communication, trust, and apathy towards their relationship–all relatively normal things in any marriage. I thought everything was normal until I got some more background information. The wife was divorced prior to marrying her current husband–still nothing weird going on here. Here is the kicker. Before getting divorced to her first husband the wife began having an affair. Then she leaves her husband and begins dating her lover. Within months of the divorce being finalized to her first husband, she gets married to this guy. As time goes on and life settles in after her marriage, she begins to realize that her relationship to her new husband is not as easy and carefree as before. She eventually ends up in my office together with her husband wondering where her marriage went wrong.

This is what I said,
"Well, we will help you guys learn how to communicate better and learn how to better meet each other’s needs. We’ll teach you skills to learn how to deal with conflict and we will help you learn how to compromise in order to find common ground, blah, blah, blah, blah..."

This is what I was thinking,
‘Are you stupid?!?! I’ll tell you where your marriage went wrong. It went wrong with your first husband when you cheated on him! Did you think you could simply start having sex with someone and then those feelings of being on cloud nine would translate into a healthy marriage? Did you think those feelings that you had when you were having an affair would last forever?’
I then would have proceeded to tell her that marriage takes work. It takes courage. It takes forgiveness. It takes love. Not the kind of superficial love that is present at the onset of a relationship–it takes a deep, committed love.

The problem with marriage in our current society is that many people think they can build a marital relationship on sex. Essentially people are saying, ‘If he is good in bed, then he must be a good husband.’ Wake up people! Do not build your marital foundation on sex, good looks, money, or fleeting pleasurable moments! Before getting married–build a solid friendship. If you are married, work on building a solid friendship with your spouse (AND NOT SOMEONE ELSE!) Before building a solid friendship–develop an understanding of what it is you want in a potential spouse. Marriage is special, please treat it that way.

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2010-02-07T13:42:00.001-08:00

Battle of the Sexes

2009-12-09T21:25:00.000-08:00

Men and women are different. We talk differently, we think differently, we act differently and we feel differently. Women for example often talk in order to build relationships. Men on the other hand talk in order to get or give information. Men will thrive on the sexual relationship within a marriage while women will thrive on affection. Though it may seem that men and women are different, when they are in (or pursuing) a relationship they are often seeking the same thing--attachment. They are seeking to be bonded with each other, they are seeking true companionship. Men and women just go about achieving these obectives in different ways.

Willard Harley wrote an excellent book that highlights the different emotional needs of women and men but also emphasizes the importance of meeting each other's needs. The books is called His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage. In the book he highlights the top five emotional needs of men and the top five emotional needs of women. (Given that I am posting about this book, I highly reccommend it.)

Her Needs

Affection - This can come in the form of cuddling, holding hands, love notes, flowers, calls throughout the day, etc.
Conversation - As mentioned earlier, women talk to build relationships. They do not need their problems solved. In fact, if their is a problem a woman will often discover her own solution simply through "talking about it."
Trust - A woman needs her husband to be open and honest with her. Men who lie and/or cheat will find that re-establishing trust in a relationship will take a very long time.
Financial Support - When getting married, most women do not anticipate that they will have to be the breadwinners for the family. She needs to have enough money to live comfortably.
Family Committment - A woman needs her husband to interact and play with their children and to take charge and lead their family.

His Needs

Sexual Fulfillment - A man needs to be sexually satisfied and also needs to know that he is sexually satisfying his wife.
Recreational Companion - Recreation can be playing games together, working out together, going on a drive together, etc. For more reation ideas, read the previous post.
An Attractive Spouse - A man is very much visually oriented. He needs to see that his wife continues to try and impress him even after they are married.
Domestic Support - Just as she needs his financial support, he needs her to take care of the children and the home.
Admiration - He needs her to be proud of him in both little things (i.e. "Wow, you really got those dishes clean") and the big things (i.e. "You are such an amazing father to our children. Thank you, it means a lot to me").

At-Home Date Ideas

2009-10-25T21:48:00.001-07:00

Continued courting (dating) is one of the essential elements to a happy marriage. Think about it. How essential was dating before you and your spouse got married. I would venture to say that most people would not be married had they not dated each other. Dating allows a couple to put life's stresses on hold and simply focus on each other and the relationship. Key items of a date include:

A. It is planned.

B. Kids are not present. Talking about your kids is a great thing to do on a date, but trying to keep your kids calm while in a restaurant for example distracts a couple from interacting with each other.

C. It involves some sort of positive communication.

D. It is together.

After marriage continued courtship can often be a challenge because of children, finances, or other situations. The following is a list of things couples can do at home for little money and without having to try to find a babysitter. Most of these ideas can be done after putting the kids to bed (or early in the morning before they wake up). Keep in mind that a date is planned. Two couch potatoes watching TV together does not constitute a date. As you read this, please comment and add any ideas you might have for an inexpensive, at-home date.

1. Watch a movie together.

2. Play board games together.

3. Play video or computer games together.

4. Have a dance party.

5. Go for a walk around the outside of your house or backyard.

6. Plan a vacation for just the two of you. You've always wanted to go to Europe, but don't have the finances to do so? That doesn't mean you can't still plan your vacation together.

7. Order take-out, put the kids to bed, set up a romantic setting inside or out, and have a romantic dinner.

7a. Have a romantic breakfast before the kids get up.

8. Plan a home remodel project. Don't have the money? See #6.

9. Make cookies and deliver them to neighbors.

10. Make love. If this is going to be considered a date, there needs to be more creativity and planning than just simply getting in bed together. Make love in a different room of the house, use different positions, use lingerie. Make it different. Make it fun.

11. Have a paper airplane contest.

12. Work in your garden. Or if you don't have money to start your garden -- plan your garden.

13. Read a book together.

14. Write an article together.

15. Compile family history/genealogy.

16. Exercise together. You can exercise without leaving your home such as watching work-out videos, or running outside your house.

17. One person I knew who didn't have any money helped his wife put the kids to bed and then went and sat on their roof, had some otter-pops, and just talked with each other.

18. Watch the sunset/sunrise together.

19. Take an online course together.

20. Finger paint with edible paint (different colored pudding).

21. Blog together.

22. Work on a piece of art (painting, pottery, etc.) together.

23. Play laser tag inside your house.

24. Set up your own miniature golf course inside your house.

25. Organize family photos.

26. Scrapbook together.

27. Go through this list, add some of your own ideas, and scratch off ideas that don't fit you.

28. Recreate your first date (this might take some creativity).

29. Write down the story of how you met and read it to each other.

30. Write a letter to a family member, friend, someone serving in the military, etc.

31. Cook a fun meal together.

32. Pick up a fun desert at a place you've never eaten before and share it together (The Cheesecake Factory has 30+ different types of Cheescakes)

33. Read your favorite children's books to each other.

34. Have a bad poetry night (pick a topic and spend 2 mintues writing a poem--as silly, sappy or bad as you can make it).

Tell me what you think. Which idea is your favorite. Send in your own ideas as well.

Love and Fear

2009-09-23T23:33:00.000-07:00

The other day, a couple came to see me for marriage counseling. After getting some background information I asked the reason they came to counseling. As the couple was telling me what was wrong with their marriage their voices started to elevate a little. Soon after, they stopped talking with me and were talking directly with each other. When one person was talking, it was as if they were indirectly blaming all of the marital problems on their spouse. Their spouse would then get defensive about their actions and also start to indirectly blame their spouse for all of their marital problems. Before long this couple was in a full blown argument and I had to switch from being a therapist to being a referee. I calmed them down and then we discussed what happened. How had things gotten out of hand so quickly? Is this what their arguments were like? Worse? Are they capable of having a conversation without it resulting in an argument?

A couple’s interactions with each other are often based on underlying emotions both husband and wife are experiencing. In the above example the secondary emotion showed by both was obviously anger. But there are other primary emotions that are driving that anger. One of the primary emotions often present in a couple’s argument is fear. In fact, in the above example, both husband and wife could have been motivated by fear, not anger. Let me explain.

In the above argument, let’s say that the husband and wife were arguing about the husband frequently coming home from work later than expected. The wife is accusing the husband of wanting to spend more time at work than with the family. The husband defends himself saying that he is trying to make enough money so she doesn’t have to work and can stay home with the kids.

While the wife in this example is angry on the outside, she is having negative thoughts and feelings on the inside. ‘My husband must not come home on time because of me.’ ‘He would rather be somewhere else than with me.’ ‘Maybe he is spending more time with someone else, because I am not good enough for him.’ ‘If he doesn’t want to come home to me, I must be unlovable.’ ‘He is probably going to leave me because I am unlovable an unable to meet his needs.’

Meanwhile, while the husband is also exhibiting anger, he is also having negative thoughts and feelings. ‘The first thing my wife does when I come in is attack me.’ ‘I’m trying to meet the needs of my family, but I am obviously not doing enough if my wife is attacking me like this.’ ‘If my wife treats me like this, she must not love me, and I must be unlovable.’ ‘She would be better off with someone who makes a lot of money and is also capable of meeting her needs.’

Both the husband and the wife are experiencing fears of not being good enough for each other, and ultimately fears that they will leave and find someone else “better.” In fact, they may be so wrapped up in their secondary emotion of anger, that they are unable to recognize that they are ultimately feeling fear.

Think of how this situation would have been different if the couple was motivated by love instead of fear. Maybe the husband would have come in and immediately apologized to his wife and explained to her that there was an accident on his drive home which slowed things up. He may have even recognized her need for having him home at a decent hour. The wife may have been understanding of the husband as well and recognized that he was trying to get home on time. Love fosters understanding while fear fosters confusion.

Signs that your relationship are motivated more by fear then love include:
• Intense arguments
• Frequent (almost daily) arguments
• Long periods of silence (not talking to each other) within the relationship
• Inability to have deep conversations (conversations are just about the kids’ homework, the weather, etc.)
• Criticizing and name calling
• Any kind of abuse (physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, spiritual)

If any of these characteristics are present in your relationship please seek help. Counseling may be beneficial. You are welcome to email me at bdonovan.mft@gmail.com (also in the upper right hand corner of the blog) if you have any questions about counseling, possible books to read, or just general questions. Any information you give me through email will be kept confidential.

Fear
Selfish
Leads to Anger
Is tormenting
Confusion
Doubt
Negative Perceptions

Love
Charitable
Leads to Benevolence
Is comforting
Understanding
Trust
Truth

1 John 4:18
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."

Ephesians 5:25
"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;"

Confessions of a Marriage and Family Therapist

2009-08-21T12:48:00.000-07:00

I have some confessions that I must make as a Marriage and Family Therapist. A few posts have indicated my love in working with couples. I will even say it again, I love helping people improve their marriages. Seeing couples reconnect after years of disconnection, hurt, and pain is truly wonderful. Watching couples succeed in overcoming relationship traumas-such as pornography, affairs, ignorance, inconsideration, contempt-is one of the greatest things I can experience in my profession and outside of my own family life. The love that is often experienced in my therapy room is so powerful that I am often moved to tears.

But. . .

My confession as a Marriage Counselor is this, I cannot fix your marriage. If you are struggling in your marriage and need someone brilliant to fix your problems, do not come to me-I am not that smart. If you are looking for someone who knows the answers to all of your questions, again do not come to me-I don't have all the answers. If you are looking for a therapist who succeeds in helping every one of his couples, I'm not your guy; in fact, I have couples that come to me for counseling that (after many sessions) do not improve their marriage--sorry. I even have some couples that have come to me and have gotten worse as a result of seeing me.

I am not a mechanic. I can't diagnose your problems and then fix them. I am a teacher. I can teach you skills that will help learn how to communicate better with your spouse. I can help you recognize your spouse's needs and teach you how to meet those needs (as well as teaching him/her to recognize and meet your needs). So what is the difference between what I do, and what a mechanic would do? I can teach you the skills you need, but you are ultimately responsible for whether your marriage succeeds or fails. If your marriage is not running the way you would like, you are responsible for fixing it, not me. It is up to you to use, adapt, or modify the skills you learn. Whether your marriage succeeds or fails is entirely up to you.

Parable of the Silverware

2009-07-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

"Most of what I know about [marriage] I have learned from my companion. We have been married for almost 47 years now. From the beginning she knew what kind of marriage she wanted.

"We started as poor college students, but her vision for our marriage was exemplified by a set of silverware. As is common today, when we married she registered with a local department store. Instead of listing all the pots and pans and appliances we needed and hoped to receive, she chose another course. She asked for silverware. She chose a pattern and the number of place settings and listed knives, forks, and spoons on the wedding registry and nothing else. No towels, no toasters, no television-just knives, forks, and spoons.

"The wedding came and went. Our friends and our parents' friends gave gifts. We departed for a brief honeymoon and decided to open the presents when we returned. When we did so, we were shocked. There was not a single knife or fork in the lot. We joked about it and went on with our lives.

"Two children came along while we were in law school. We had no money to spare. But when my wife worked as a part-time election judge or when someone gave her a few dollars for her birthday, she would quietly set it aside, and when she had enough she would go to town to buy a fork or a spoon. It took us several years to accumulate enough pieces to use them. When we finally had service for four, we began to invite some of our friends for dinner.

"Before they came, we would have a little discussion in the kitchen. Which utensils would we use, the battered and mismatched stainless or the special silverware? In those early days I would often vote for the stainless. It was easier. You could just throw it in the dishwasher after the meal, and it took care of itself. The silver, on the other hand, was a lot of work. My wife had it hidden away under the bed where it could not be found easily by a burglar. She had insisted that I buy a tarnish-free cloth to wrap it in. Each piece was in a separate pocket, and it was no easy task to assemble all the pieces. When the silver was used, it had to be hand washed and dried so that it would not spot, and put back in the pockets so it would not tarnish, and wrapped up and carefully hidden again so it would not get stolen. If any tarnish was discovered, I was sent to buy silver polish, and together we carefully rubbed the stains away.

"Over the years we added to the set, and I watched with amazement how she cared for the silver. My wife was never one to get angry easily. However, I remember the day when one of our children somehow got hold of one of the silver forks and wanted to use it to dig up the backyard. That attempt was met with a fiery glare and a warning not to even think about it. Ever.

"I noticed that the silverware never went to the many [church] dinners she cooked, or never accompanied the many meals she made and sent to others who were sick or needy. It never went on picnics and never went camping. In fact it never went anywhere; and, as time went by, it didn't even come to the table very often. Some of our friends were weighed in the balance, found wanting, and didn't even know it. They got the stainless when they came to dinner.

"The time came when we were called to go on a mission. I arrived home one day and was told that I had to rent a safe-deposit box for the silver. She didn't want to take it with us. She didn't want to leave it behing. And she didn't want to lose it.

"For years I thought she was just a little bit eccentric, and then one day I realized that she had known for a long time something that I was just beginning to understand. If you want some to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.

This parable came from a talk in the April 2003 General Conference by Elder F. Burton Howard.

Marriage Math

2009-07-27T07:36:00.000-07:00

Divorce Attorneys = $4,000 - $10,000*

Marriage Counseling = $1,000 (10 sessions at $100 each)

Regular once a week dating = $20 a week

YOU DO THE MATH

*pricing for divorce attorneys varies greatly. Contact an individual divorce attorney for the most accurate information.

Fireproof

2009-07-22T07:17:00.000-07:00

This movie is the best movie I have ever seen on marriage. You can rent it from Netflix or most video rental places.

Here is a touching scene from the movie when Caleb is apologizing to his wife for the things he had done to her.

One Key to a Heathier Life

2009-07-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

A happy marriage is one key to a healthier life as described by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher in their book The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially. In their research they found that married people (when compared to their non-married counterparts) live longer, enjoy better health, become disabled less, manage chronic illness better, and are less likely to require extensive hospitalization. Following are more findings from their research:

- Mortality rates for unmarried women are about 50% higher than for their married counterparts. For men, the mortality rate for unmarried men is 250% higher than their married counterparts.

- 28% of husbands report medical problems with their feet or legs, compared to 39% of cohabitating men, 37% of divorced men, and 46% of widowed men.

- Divorced and widowed women were twice as likely as wives to report they had functional limitations that impaired daily living (cohabitating women were three times as likely).

In their book, Waite and Gallagher discuss why marriage has such a profound effect on people's health. They mention that marriage is especially better for men's health because of the "wild" and risky behaviors associated with single men--such as drinking, drug use, poor eating habits, and engaging in dangerous/life threatening acitvities.

When married, men also have the social support of their wives. In other words, their wives monitor their health.

In regards to their physical health, women also benefit from marriage, but in different ways. Married women are far less likely to live in poverty and consequently have better access to proper health care. "Married women not only engage in less risky behavior themselves, but they are less likely than are single women to spend a large amount of time around men who do these things," (p.59).

Stay tuned for more posts from this book including how married people (compared to unmarried) have better mental health, make more money, are better parents, and have better sex lives.

Bad Marriage Advice: "Never go to bed angry"

2009-07-17T21:11:00.000-07:00

Many people have heard the classic marriage advice "never go to bed angry." In fact, you may have even given this advice to couples you know. The principle behind this advice is actually great advice--couples should talk through their anger with each other, and should do so quickly. However, the best time to discuss problems is not right before going to bed. By the end of the day most people are typically tired, stressed, and just need to relax. Resolving issues with each other requires both partners to be calm, alert, and willing to listen to each other (not common characteristics for most people right before bed).

Sometimes you or your spouse might be angry and really need to discuss something with each other. Other times you or your spouse might be angry, stressed, and tired and all you really need is--REST! The best time for discussing problems is not right before bed, but rather at a time when you can both be attentive to each other's needs.

Mormon Messages: Marriage and Divorce

2009-07-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

10 Marriage Myths

2009-07-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

The following marriage myths are taken from the work of Jeffry H. Larson, Ph.D. and his book The Great Marriage Tune-Up Book published byJossey-Bass in 2003 (pages 9-14). I highly recommend this book. It includes personal assessments and questionairres to help fine tune your marriage. Clink here to take a quiz on Marriage Myths and Realities to see how much you know. You may also read on and get the same information.

Myth 1 - "If my spouse loves me, he/she should instinctively know what I want and need to be happy."

Reality - "If my spouse really loves me, she/he will openly and respectfully tell me what she/he needs and not expect me to read her/his mind."

Myth 2 - "No matter how I behave, my spouse should love me simply because she/he is my spouse."

Reality - "Your spouse will love you to the extent that you are lovable, and that's based largely on your behavior."

Myth 3 - "I can change my spouse by pointing out his inadequacies, errors, and other flaws."

Reality - "I can positively influence my spouse's behavior if I know how, and that can be learned (by reading this book). But nagging (or being overly critical) does not work."

Myth 4 - "My spouse either loves me or doesn't love me; nothing I do will affect the way he/she feels about me."

Reality - "If I behave more lovingly, he/she will love me more."

Myth 5 - "The more my spouse discloses positive and negative information to me, the closer I will feel to her/him and the greater our marital satisfaction will be."

Reality - "The expression of positive thoughts and feelings increases marital satisfaction the most. If you have something negative to say, watch how you do it so as not to offend (you'll learn more about this in Chapter Four).

Myth 6 - "I must first feel better about my spouse before I can change my behavior toward her/him."

Reality - "Part of being married is learning that you sometimes have to do things for your partner that you would rather not do, simply to please your partner. As he/she becomes happier, he/she will likely reciprocate with pleasing behaviors too, and you, too, will be happier (your feelings change). Plus, you will feel much better about yourself as a result of changin your behavior first without hesitating too long.

Myth 7 - "Maintaining romantic love is the key to marital hapiness over the life span for most couples."

Reality - "It takes companioate and altruistic love, too, to preserve your marriage (discussed more in this book)."

Myth 8 - "Marriage should always be a 50-50 partnership."

Reality - "Your marriage will be stronger if you focus on pleasing your partner and making sure you are doing all you reasonably can to contribute without keeping a tally in your mind."

Myth 9 - "Marriage can fulfill all of my needs."

Reality - "Marriage can fulfill many of my needs, and the others can be fulfilled by other appropriate people."

Myth 10 - "Couples should keep their problems to themselves and solve them alone."

Reality - "Keeping your problems quiet and going at it alone often leads to failure. Get trust others to help you.

It Takes Two to Tango!

2009-06-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

. . . or does it?

In my profession as a marriage and family therapist, I have often had wives or husbands come to me and say something to the effect of 'I am willing to change myself to improve my marriage, but if my spouse is unwilling to change himself/herself our marriage is probably not going to work out, right?' Early on in my career I would have agreed with the individual and replied with something like 'Having a happy marriage does take two people who are both dedicated and willing to work on the marriage.'

I have since learned that telling a person their marriage is doomed because their partner is unwilling to change is absolutely the wrong thing to say.

Let me go back to something I learned while I was serving as a missionary in Brazil. I was close to finishing my two years and transfers were coming up. I knew that I was going to be getting a new companion. Prior to the transfer I started praying and asking Heavenly Father for a companion that would be like my wife, or with whom I could learn skills that would benefit me in my future marriage. (A word of caution: Praying for things like this will usually result in immediate answers from Heavenly Father. It is kind of like praying for humility.)

I received my new companion, and the first couple of weeks we had together were some of the toughest I had experienced in my entire mission. We had very different personalities, we didn't agree on anything, we argued, and we didn't enjoy spending time together. I began thinking, 'If my wife is anything like this guy, I may hold off getting married for a very long time.'

My problem was that I was focussing on making my companion change to fit my needs. I had never even considered changing myself to meet his needs. After some humbling experiences I began praying to better understand what I could do to change in order to make our companionship a success. Whenever we got into another argument, I would look to myself instead of blaming or criticizing him. When things were strained in the relationship, I looked to myself for change instead of rolling my eyes at my companion. In all reality I needed to change just as much (and probably even more) than did my companion.

I decided I was going to change myself. I started listening more to my companion, I began valuing his opinions, and I strived to compliment and appreciate him and his efforts as a missionary. Our companionship changed dramatically for the better. While I was focussed on my efforts to change myself in order to improve our relationship I didn't realize that he was also making changes. I do not know if he started making changes before me, at the same time, or as a result of the changes I was making. Needless to say, my companion started trusting me more, and listening to my opinions. At the end of the transfer he considered me to be a great friend.

We have since lost contact, but I will never forget the lesson I learned from that special missionary companion--If I want to change my relationship, I must first change myself.

You can read an article about this same subject titled Change Yourself and Change Your Marriage